The Jerry Springer Show: Guests: The Cullens
by Juicycouturegal
Summary: What would happen if the Cullens went on The Jerry Springer Show? A whole lot of very very very weird stuff...including Mike Newton as a surprise guest--be afraid--be very afraid...
1. The Longest Vision Ever

**POV is Alice. She has a very long vision, and narrates the whole time...enjoy!!!!!!**

Sometimes, a sunny day can drag on forever. I mean, really, we just stay home and…sit around. It gets incredibly tedious. Last Sunday was exceptionally boring, since our new trampoline was broken after Emmett jumped from the top of a 200 foot tall pine tree onto it. That morning we really weren't doing anything. Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rose, Jazz, and I were seated on the large sectional suede couch we had just bought. I leaned back into the huge plush cushion and sighed. This was the one of the less desirable parts of this life—we should be out, at the park maybe, on a day like this, but we weren't. We could be. In the midst of my self pitying thoughts, a vision began. It turned out to be the longest vision I've ever had, unfortunately…it began with us, sitting just as we were now.

"You know we've basically been sitting here, not doing _anything_ for the last…three hours?" Emmett broke the lazy silence.

"What are we going to do…its sunny out. We can't go anywhere." Rose groaned, sounding a little angry. But, then again, she always sounds a little angry…

We were quiet for another few seconds before Emmett stuck his hand into the couch cushions and searched for the remote. Eventually he found it, and switched on the flat screen.

"There's nothing on!" Bella sighed as Emmett continued to turn the volume up higher and higher.

"There's always something on…" he answered, continuing to flip through channels. In the vision, closed my eyes and crossed my arms. In the background Renesmee's faint laughter could be heard from upstairs as Jacob told her a story, and Esme was on the phone with somebody. I opened my eyes when I heard the Style channel.

"Stop here, Em!" He, of course, just continued look for shows that he wanted to watch. Bella rolled her eyes, Rose looked slightly infuriated, Jasper was playing with the cuff of his oxford, and Edward looked half dead. Finally, Emmett stopped, clearly having decided on a show. The Jerry Springer Show, which he had been watching constantly lately. Suddenly, Edward sat up straight and moaned in agony.

"Emmett! No…I hate this show, please, don't. Put on something else." Emmett seemed to have not heard him.

"Em…honestly, put on HBO or something, we just got it last week…" Rose attempted to reason with him.

"Rose, come on…I like this show a lot…please?" he smiled angelically, and Rose put her head in her hands.

"What's to like?" Jasper asked calmly, probably trying to calm the rest of us down as well, since we were all getting a bit exasperated with Emmett.

"Jazz…are you kidding? Trashy, uneducated hillbillies, affairs, fights…what's _not _to like?" Bella stared at him for a few moments.

"You are _so_…bizarre…"

"Thank you, Bella…but you know, this was the highest rated daytime show for a while, so I'm not alone in liking it."

"We know, but it's still odd that you enjoy watching people completely humiliate themselves…" I quipped.

"I don't think _that's_ odd," Rose laughed, "I just think it's weird you can stand to watch those freaks on TV…they're all so ugly and disgusting."

"One time, there was this really hot girl on there, actually Rose…" she growled at him and turned away. Emmett looked surprised.

"She doesn't like you to say anybody other than her is good looking, remember?" Edward whispered. Emmett nodded in reply. The show was beginning. The studio audience started chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" as the host walked out onto the little stage. Four extremely homely people were already there. As the episode progressed, the people became more and more blatantly low class. One of the women could barely speak! But the main point of the show seemed to be a guest revealing to his wife that he was cheating on her. I switched the channel after the first set of guests was gone.

"Alice!" Emmett whined, "Why?"

"You finished watching those people, you know what happens, don't start watching a whole new segment." He grabbed the remote back, but I took it back from him. Eventually, Jasper took it from both of us.

"Guys, fighting over the remote is a cliché childish thing to do…let's watch something we all like…" and then, Jasper turned on…Gilligan's Island?! I had assumed that nobody normal actually watched that, but he seemed to enjoy, chuckling, usually at about the same time the laugh track was played. We all quietly watched Jasper, and Jasper, oblivious to our staring, watched the TV.

"Dude…what is the deal with _that_?" Emmett asked, looking at Jasper, with an extremely concerned expression.

"Nothing '_is the deal'_ with it…I enjoy the show." Jasper responded, doing a perfect imitation of Emmett's voice.

"Yeah, Em, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." I chimed. Emmett looked confused.

"I… have not heard of that expression…" he noted, pursing his lips.

"It means that somebody who does something--" Edward started to explain, but was interrupted.

"Does what?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Give me an example."

"Emmett! Fine…somebody who…" Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, as he often does when he gets stressed, trying to come up with an instance to illustrate the meaning of the phrase.

"Is mean…" Jasper volunteered

"Thank you Jasper, somebody who's mean--" Edward was interrupted again, by me in the vision.

"Like Rose, par exemple!" Rose kicked me from the cushion next to me.

"Will you all…stop interrupting me?" Edward pleaded, exasperated. We nodded. "Anyways, it means that somebody who is mean shouldn't call somebody else mean…that's all. Or in your case, somebody who watches ridiculous shows shouldn't tell somebody else not to watch a ridiculous show…get it?" Emmett furrowed his eyebrows, apparently thinking hard.

"No. How does that have anything to do with a glass house?"

"Ugh! Emmett, it's an expression!" Edward hissed.

"Why would you live in a glass house though, really? All your neighbors could see you…doing everything!"

"You wouldn't live in a glass house, that's just the expression."

"Why is it an expression?" Emmett challenged Edward.

"Because! Just pretend it's tinted glass" By the time Edward had finished his sentence, Emmett had already turned the TV on. Evidently, he didn't want to hear anymore. Luckily. That was probably one of the stupidest conversation's I'd ever experience, let alone been a part of. But, then again, Emmet was watching that awful show again. This time, it was a girl letting her mother know she had been working as a prostitute. And the fighting had just begun. The mother threw a chair across the stage. Jasper snorted under his breath in amusement.

"What. Do you actually think this is funny?" Bella screeched.

"No, it's just that…the fact that we're vampires combined with _some_ of us being complete basket cases would make us very amusing contestants on this show…" we let out a collective moan at the comment, "what?" Jasper asked, unaware of what he had begun.

"Oh my god! That is the best idea ever!" Emmett yelled excitedly.

"No. Emmett, no, we aren't."

"Rose, why?" He seemed to honestly not know why we couldn't.

"Because! There are just so many reasons. For one, we can't go on there and tell everyone that we aren't human. That would just be stupid, not to mention it could get us in so much trouble. Second, I don't want to be a guest on that freak show! People like us…or maybe just people like me, don't go on that show. It is just so low class. No!" Rose told Emmett, sounding as if she was scolding a bad puppy.

"Even if you all go, I won't be…Edward and I are completely normal!" Bella reasoned.

"Um no, actually. Bells, I hate to break to you, but you are a vegetarian vampire, stuck at nineteen forever, with a hybrid child. That_ is_ a tad bit odd. And Edward is in the same situation, and he's 107 years old, which makes it even weirder!" Rose argued.

"And Edward was a virgin until he was 106." Emmett added without looking away from the TV.

"Don't drag that into this!" Edward and Bella roared in unison.

"How do you even know that?" Jasper wondered. Everyone got very quiet again. Quiet enough that we could not only hear Nessie and Jake upstairs, as well as Esme, but also the sound of a car driving on gravel, about a mile away.

"Seriously, how _do_ you know that?" I asked, a little creeped out. We all stared at Emmett.

"I think we all knew…it's _Edward_." He chuckled.

"Be nice!" Bella reprimanded, defending Edward.

"What? I…heard it through the grapevine."

"That's part of a song!" Rose shrieked

"I hate to encourage Emmett, but this would be good material for the show…" I practically whispered. Everybody looked at me murderously, except for Emmett and Jasper. Emmett looked like he was about to scream with joy, and Jasper was laughing to himself, finding humor somewhere in the situation.

"So let's just officially end this conversation now. We aren't going on this show." Rose declared, with the authoritative air she often had.

"That's debatable." Emmett disagreed.

"No. Em, it is not debatable at all. We all say that we aren't going, only you are interested." Bella pointed out.

"This should be like a jury. The decision has to be unanimous. And I'll never change my decision." We all stared. "Well I'll go myself!" he yelled indignantly. It's funny how child like he can be…

"Emmett, you cannot go on Jerry Springer yourself. The point of the show is your interactions with people!" I explained, although he didn't care.

"Okay…who said I have to bring you?" he was starting to sound like Nessie when she threw one of her very rare temper tantrums. We looked at each other, and then him.

"Don't bring us! That would be excellent! We really really don't want to go!" Bella exclaimed. Emmett scowled, looking rather intimidating, and then stormed upstairs. We all heard him enter Nessie's bedroom, where she and Jake were looking at her collection of picture books.

"Ness, Jake, you guys have to come on Jerry Springer with me!" Bella and Edward started to get up, presumably to stop him from involving Nessie in this argument, but they sat down again when Jake was against Emmett's idea.

"Emmett…isn't that show a little…" Came his voice from upstairs.

"Cool, fun…rewarding?"

"No…um…raunchy. Ness is only two…well, six, physically, but still…did you ask Bella and Edward, and everyone else yet?"

"They won't go…" at this point, Esme entered the conversation.

"I don't want you going on that show. It's awful, the way they exploit those people on that show." Emmett whined, and came marching downstairs.

"No luck?" Jasper asked, pretending to be sympathetic.

"Nope"

"This was something I really wanted to do…I wish I could've…" He sighed.

"You don't really want to do this…it would seem fun, but we know what's best I think…" Edward smiled at Emmett.

"Guys…I think you underestimate me. I might not seem like the brightest crayon in the bunch, but that's only because you're all _really_ bright crayons…I can make adult decisions…I'm almost ninety-five years old, technically." The rest of us exchanged guilty looks. We _were _condescending. We _didn't _give him enough credit. He's not stupid, he just has simple pleasures, and can be…a little slow. We all felt bad then, and maybe that was his plan. Get us guilty. It worked. The five of us gave each other another "look", and then Rose took a deep breath, and grinned.

"Kay'--let's do it, we'll go on the show!" Weird. She was generally not that nice. But, starting then, pretty much all of the events preceding the decision were just downright weird. Emmett and Rose then proceeded to make out ferociously for the next few minutes, until they started to…uh…fool around, and Bella reminded them that we were all watching. Then Emmett picked each of us up, and wrapped us in huge bear hugs, squeezing tight enough to kill a human in an instant. At that point, we were all just happy the conflict was over, and that we were all happy.

"Thank you guys so much! This is like in _12 Angry Men_, where juror number eight gets everyone to say 'not guilty'! I'm juror number eight!"

"You cannot be juror number eight Emmett."

"Fine! Yay, I don't care cause' I'm so happy! And I don't care that you're so persnickety, Edward!" Good. I was happy that Emmett was happy about this, even if I had no idea why. But we probably didn't think about the consequences enough. Jasper in the vision, apparently, had just had the same though. He leaned over and tapped me on the shoulder.

"I don't know why I'm don't mind doing this, because I know that this is going to be right up there on our list of bad decisions with going ghost hunting and flying to Europe spontaneously (**AN: Read my other fanfics…)**."

"I know, but we'll see. It hasn't caused trouble yet, and I think it's taped in Chicago…we'll get to go there." Of course it hadn't caused trouble yet! We hadn't gone yet!

Ahh…The Jerry Springer Show is just bad news…

**First chapter! I'll try to update soon, review! Hope you enjoyed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	2. JerrySpringerTV dot Com

So we had agreed to go on The Jerry Springer Show. But that didn't mean it would happen. We had to go through Esme and Carlisle first. And since they generally have some common sense, I sort of predicted they would say no. Maybe that's why we said yes—because we didn't think we would actually end up going. But, usually things don't turn out the way you plan… Emmett was still ecstatic as we strode up the curved grand staircase.

"Esme!" Edward called. There was silence for a few seconds.

"Esme!" Rose called louder.

"I'm on the phone!" She responded.

"We're going on the Jerry Springer Show!" Emmett yelled up. That was sure to get her attention.

"What!?!? Absolutely not!" Thank god. Exactly what I had expected. So it was over. The vision would probably end soon, and then we could do something, maybe play a board game, or go outside. Everyone smiled, except Emmett, who looked disheartened again.

"Why not?" He asked, and Esme came running down the stairs at full speed. She stared incredulously at him with a look that said "are you actually that stupid?"

"I don't even like that you watch it! None of you are going on that show. Ever." Edward mouthed a thank you to her from behind Emmett's back. Esme, and all of us other than Emmett, considered the conversation over, I suppose, since Esme turned and walked back upstairs with the phone at her ear, and we retreated to the living room. Emmett sat down, not moving.

"I guess we can't go on the show…" Rose sighed, doing a very good job pretending to be upset by the fact.

"Yeah…" he actually was upset, "wait! I have an idea!" the rest of us looked at one another cautiously.

"What?" from a very nervous sounding Bella.

"We could sneak off to Chicago!" the rest of us refused, and Emmett dashed up the stairs. We followed, being extremely curious. He pushed the door to Esme and Carlisle's room open and walked inside, playing with the leaves of Esme's rare plant that sat in a glossy turquoise pot by the door.

"Esme?" she ignored him.

"Esme?" still no answer.

"Esme?" she covered up the mouth piece of the phone and angrily whispered.

"What? Emmett, I said no, just…go downstairs, please, I'm on the phone."

"I hate to side with Emmett, but I have to believe that you're just staying on the phone so you don't have to listen to him. Isn't it the police brotherhood asking for money again?" Jasper asked. Esme shook her head in disapproval, but hung up the phone.

"It doesn't matter who it was, why do you all even want to go?"

"We really don't. It's this lunatic that's the issue." Edward explained, gesturing to Emmett.

"I just think that it would be a good, healthy experience. It would help us work out any issues we have." Emmett calmly clarified. Esme looked to actually be considering it, which made me nervous.

"Esme…come on, I mean, you can't actually be listening to him. Have you seen the show? Throwing chairs at each other is hardly a good, healthy experience!" Edward disputed frantically. Esme still appeared to be thinking. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she spoke.

"I'll think about it, and discuss it with Carlisle, see what he thinks, later. I think you've made a good argument, Emmett, but just…go do something for now, deal?" Emmett nodded and left. He ran loudly back downstairs. We just stared at Esme in disbelief. How could she? It took us a good few minutes before the shock of her "considering it" wore off, at which point we too went downstairs. When we got into the bright open family room, Emmett was in front of one of the computers.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking the website for the show…you know… how to sign up."

"Well don't get your hopes up yet—Esme said she'd think about it."

"I'm just looking," He continued to scroll down the page, "Let's see…'if you are a hillbilly with a life full of drama, call 8'…nope." Edward rolled his eyes.

"Please tell me that's what they're looking for, and we can't be on the show?"

"Oh no, Edward, we can still go on…hmm…" he was still reading over the 'be on the show' page, "Is your marriage falling apart because of cheating? Do you want to confront that person on our show?" we shook our heads 'no'.

"Hopefully, none of these things will apply to us…" Bella moaned.

"Are you too sexy for regular TV? Want to be a part of Jerry Springer's Pay-Per-View? Rose…Mr. Jerry Springer is calling your number!" Emmett laughed. Rose pretended to look angry, but was, of course, quite flattered.

"Are you gay and your family hates it? Jasper, come on, they put up an ad online just for you…now we have to go!" Jasper didn't have to pretend to look angry.

"Are you involved in a family feud?" Emmett put a clenched fist under his chin, attempting to make it look like he was actually thinking about something.

"We might be soon." Edward hissed, gritting his teeth.

"Let's just…resolve this whole show thing." I added in, ever the diplomat, but nobody paid any attention. I crossed my arms in a huff.

"How about…Are you a big fan of the Jerry Springer Show and want to be a guest?"

"Why didn't you tell us that earlier? We're not fans…but it's closer than any thing else posted on that website…honestly, you wonder why we underestimate you." Bella ranted. Emmett didn't seem to notice. The five of us sat back down on the couch, awaiting Carlisle's arrival home from the hospital.

"Alice? What should we do if Esme and Carlisle actually say yes?" Jasper whispered conspiratorially.

"Go on the show; make Emmett seem like the freak, go home." I replied before looking up at the clock—it was 3:00PM—half an hour after Carlisle's shift had ended. He would be home any second. It was quiet for a very short time, and then, as predicted, I heard the familiar crunching of gravel in the distance, and then the sound of a car—the Mercedes—rolling up the smooth asphalt drive. The door slammed, and footsteps became louder from outside. Finally, the door swung open, and Carlisle stepped into the living room.

"Hi, everyone, I'm home! How was your day…I saved two lives today! An old man, and a little girl, and…what are you doing, Emmett?" Carlisle asked, first with a huge smile, which faded when he peered around Emmett's shoulder.

"He's preparing to go on Jerry Springer." Bella told him, as if it were a normal thing, which at this point, it almost seemed like. Carlisle didn't even respond. He just walked up the stairs, wordlessly, and Emmett continued researching. We were silent, trying to hear the conversation going on upstairs.

"So, today, all of the kids--" Esme began.

"Not 'all of the kids', just Emmett" I yelled upstairs, interrupting her.

"Alright, yes, just Emmett, was hoping to go on the Jerry Springer Show…I told them I would think about it…what do you think?"

"Hmm…" the house was silent. We all anxiously waited for what he would say. "I think…they can decide. They're not technically young, and they'll learn something from it, hopefully, maybe…" he already sounded like he doubted his decision. I certainly did.

"Yes!" Emmett screamed, practically doing a little dance on the area rug he stood on.

"No!" Rose huffed. But we still had to get on the show! Why didn't I think of that? Emmett would write almost anything about us to be a guest, but still. There were millions of wanna-bee contestents—it couldn't be too easy.

"This is going to be so…much…fun." We nodded unenthusiastically. I hoped that the vision would end soon, and that would be it. I saw vision-me jump slightly when Emmett came from behind and picked the couch up, and moved it over to a spot in front of the computer.

"Kay'…so should I email them…" we all said 'yes', knowing that it would take longer for a response to come that way, as opposed to using the phone.

"Alright, what should I write?"

"Write that we are not at all interesting. Please." As Emmett wrote the email and filled out the online contact form, I imagined what the show would be like with us on it. Not pleasant, surely, and definitely not normal. There would probably be a fight, actually. But I wouldn't know until later on just how bad it would be. Everybody else was presumably thinking about the exact same thing, including myself in the vision, since it was completely quiet. Only the sound of Emmett's quick, heavy typing could be heard. Just under five minutes later, he hit the last key with a flourish.

"Done!" he exclaimed, sounding overly proud of the email.

"Wonderful…" Bella muttered. We leaned in to look at what he had written. Immediately, it was apparent how long the email was, just from looking at the size of the scroll bar.

_Dear People on The Jerry Springer Show,_

_Hi! We're the Cullens, and we aren't hillbillies, but we're still weird enough to appear on your show. There are six of us that will be appearing on your show. I'm Emmett, and I would say I'm the most normal of the bunch…my sister Alice is just weird. She can see the future, and she enjoys shopping and talking, primarily. My brother, Jasper is a quiet fellow…he and Alice are married. And although my brother is going out with my sister, I can assure you there is nothing odd going on. Then, of course, there's Edward. Edward plays the piano and loves music…he is not always nice to me…Bella, my other sister, is with Edward. She's quiet, and likes to read, and is generally fun to tease. Bella and Edward have a daughter, named Renesmee. I have no idea why they named her that, but you can try to riddle that one out, if you want. She's only…six…so she won't be going on the show. Jacob is not technically part of the family, but he is over our house all the time because of Renesmee. You see, he 'imprinted on her'. It's weird, but basically it means he's in love with her. Jacob is seventeen, and is a minor, like Renesmee. However, Jacob tells me that there is nothing pedophile-like about the situation. I don't get it. We have parents, but they are relatively normal, and have chosen not to participate. Oh, and by the way Edward can read minds, so watch out. I almost forgot about Rose. Rose is with me, and she is just wonderful (really pretty)…but for some reason, I have heard that she isn't nice from various people. Edward and she have an especially unstable relationship. Before I end this letter, I would like to tell you a bit more about our pasts. I was adopted when I was twenty. Yes, I am aware that twenty seems very old to be adopted, but I was mauled by a bear. Rose saved me because I looked like her friend's three year old son. Yes, that does seem a bit twisted. Then, Alice and Jasper randomly showed up at our house and asked to live with us, so we said yes. Then Bella came into the picture…we all moved to Forks, and Edward met Bella! __Edward smelled her. She said she used her strawberry shampoo. Then, he saved her from getting crushed by a car, and then he saved her from getting murdered, and the rest is history. While we may seem perfectly normal, there are also conflicts we have and could potentially fight about, don't worry. And, unrelated to any of us, we know a guy named Mike Newton. We should definitely discuss him, since he has really influenced us. _

_Love,_

_Emmett Cullen_

_P.S. We are vampires. _

"Oh my god, Emmett, you have to fix it!"

"Why?"

"The entire email! It makes us sound absolutely crazy." Rose growled. Yes, it really did. And referring to himself as the normal one? What was that about? At the very least, he would have to cut out the part about us being vampires, and hopefully any other questionable material.

"Em, please, just--" I started to say, but before I could finish, Emmett pressed the send button, and that's where the nightmare began…

R&R!!!! Hope you liked!


	3. The Warzone

After Emmett pushed "send", my vision faded to black, and while I hoped it was over…it wasn't. A new scene opened, and I couldn't discern how much time had gone by in between then and now. But it couldn't have been _too_ long, because Renesmee was being tucked into bed by Edward and Bella, and she looked about the same age.

"What story do you want us to read to you tonight?" Bella asked, fanning out an array of picture books for her to choose from.

"I don't want those kinds…would you read me that book from the other night?" Bella looked confused, and Renesmee's hand went to her mother's smooth marble like cheek.

"Oh, _Wuthering Heights_…" a look of understanding crossed her face as the images flashed from Renesmee's thoughts to her own. Nessie nodded and yawned.

"Alright…let's see…where were we?" Renesmee took the book and searched for the correct page as Edward and Bella watched smiling and in awe, although they had witnessed her intelligence for the last two years.

"Here!" she pointed to the page and read, "The ledge, where I placed my candle, had a few mildewed books piled up in one corner; and it was covered with writing scratched on the paint. This writing, however, was nothing but a name repeated in all kinds of characters, large and small—Catherine Earnshaw, here and there varied to Catherine Heathcliff, and then again to Catherine Linton. In vapid listlessness I leant my head against the window, and continued spelling over Catherine Earnshaw—Heathcliff—Linton, till my eyes closed; but they had not rested five minutes when a glare of white letters started from the dark, as vivid as spectres—the air swarmed with Catherines; and rousing myself to dispel the obtrusive name, I discovered my candle wick reclining on one of the antique volumes, and perfum-ing the place with an odour of roasted calf-skin. Will you read some now?" Renesmee looked between her parents, decided who she wanted to read first before handing the thick novel over to Edward, who handed it to Bella minutes later.

"Alright. I think that's good for tonight" Bella declared once she reached the beginning of the next chapter, a good place to stop. Nessie looked exhausted.

"Good night Nessie. We love you. Sleep well." Bella crooned. She and Edward both kissed Renesmee on the forehead, and she closed her eyes, beginning to fall asleep. Edward and Bella sat at the foot of the bed until they were certain she was asleep, and they got up to leave. Of course, right on time, they heard a scream from downstairs—surprise—Emmett's loud, booming voice followed it.

"Edward, Bella, come on! Big news!" Renesmee's eyes shot open at the noise, and it was obvious that both of them were missing the cottage they had left behind when we finally moved from Forks, since she had just fallen asleep.

"Mommy, Daddy…what was that?" she asked groggily.

"Just Emmett being…Emmett. Go back to sleep" Bella whispered with a smile. Luckily, she drifted right off.

"Let's go…" Edward sighed with a grimace. Bella nodded, clearly annoyed at the interruption. They slowly tiptoed down the hall, and down the staircase, and then walked at a normal speed and audio level into the kitchen, where Rosalie, Jasper, and vision-me were gathered in a circle around Emmett, who held the phone.

"Oh, god, what?" Bella asked, her voice practically shaking, probably aware of what had happened.

"The people from The Jerry Springer Show called! They want us to come on the show!" Emmett exclaimed, talking very quickly.

"Put it on speaker phone!" Jasper told him, despite the fact that we could all hear what the person on the other line was saying. Emmett pressed the little black button.

"So, we would be very interested in having you as guests!" came a woman's perky voice from the other end.

"Cool! So what do we do next?" Jasper asked. Traitor. He seemed to actually be getting excited.

"Well, tell me more about yourselves…and this Mike Newton you mentioned…he sounds interesting…" Edward rolled his eyes. Evidently, there were still some bad feelings he had towards Mike.

"Hmm…well, I'm Emmett…doesn't my voice sound like I'm fun?" Rose bumped Emmett to the other side of the counter, and spoke into the phone.

"I'm Rosalie. I don't want to be on your show!" she shouted. Bella and Edward put their index fingers to their mouths, indicating for everyone to be quieter, since Renesmee was sleeping upstairs.

"Oh…well, that's good that you're angry…we love angry people on this show!"

"I think I'm going to check on Nessie…" Bella started to walk back upstairs.

"Oh no! Stay here, Bella!" Emmett pulled her back, and Rose helped.

"Rose?! Why?"

"If I have to do this, you're going down with me!" Bella crossed her arms and growled quietly in response.

"Did somebody just growl?" The woman from the show asked.

"No," Edward finally spoke into the phone, "that was just my stomach." That conversation was over, but for some reason, Emmett opened his mouth.

"It was my sister…you know, the one who's married to my brother, Edward? She does that sometimes…just a habit…"

"Wait…I though you brother Jasper was married to your sister Alice…?" the woman was clearly confused.

"Yes, they're married too…"

"Okay…um…what's her name?"

"Bella…here she is!" Emmett picked up Bella and put her by the phone. She tried to escape his grasp, but her newborn strength was, unfortunately, gone.

"Hi…I'm Bella…" she grumbled.

"Oh…well hello…I'm Miss Hart…" finally, a name! Miss Hart was quiet, and an awkward silence began between her and Bella, until Bella finally talked.

"So…I'm with Edward…we have a…six year old daughter named Renesmee…"

"Renesmee…and I've heard that Renesmee has a special friend named Jacob…tell me about him." Bella groaned and rolled her eyes.

"He isn't a 'special friend', he's just a friend. I don't want to get into the whole imprinting thing Emmett wrote about." Bella was done. Very annoyed, she stalked off to the corner of the rarely used kitchen. Edward picked up the phone when she dropped it.

"Hi, um…I just want you to know that we're totally normal, so we might be sort of boring on your show…we're totally normal, just your average family. We live in a Pennsylvania suburb, we're well educated, uninteresting, and not what you're looking for." Edward rambled, at one last attempt to convince Miss Hart not to put us on the show.

"Yeah, whatever…except for the fact that you're Emmett's brother, married to Emmett's sister…who, it seems would be your sister to, if all of that is true. And you have a daughter with 'Bella', who I've heard is called 'Nessie', and this Nessie was 'imprinted on', whatever that means, by Jacob…and you all think you're vampires, if I remember correctly…other than those things, totally normal…" Miss Hart definitely spun everything in a very weird way…

"And did we tell you that Jake is a werewolf?" Emmett yelled into the phone from behind Edward's shoulder. Edward gave him a look of fury and swatted him away.

"Jake is not really a werewolf…" Edward assured her.

"I'm sure he's not, but I'm sure he thinks he is…" This lady was obnoxious, and seriously was starting to bother me… "And one more thing…can we talk about Mike Newton?" this sent Edward and Bella over the edge, as the rest of us stood around, slowly getting out of their way.

"No! We can absolutely, never, ever talk about Mike Newton!" Bella roared.

"Please, just hang up, now, we are not interesting!" from Edward.

"What's wrong with Mike Newton?" Miss Hart inquired, seemingly innocently.

"Ahh! Everything and nothing. He is nothing. Please, just stop." Bella was a little calmer this time.

"I honestly just don't even know why we're talking about Mike…he really is not a big part of our lives, and I can assure you, that he isn't talking to anybody about us right now. He is in no way a major force in our lives…!" Edward screamed. Nessie came running down the stairs.

"What's going on?" She whimpered, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

"Nothing...nothing at all, baby…go see Grandma…please…" she didn't move an inch.

"Ness, we're fine…we're just having a grownup issue, aren't you tired?"

"No…but I'm smart enough know what's going on…" she complained.

"What's going on…short version…Mike Newton." Emmett whispered to her. Bella ran into him at full force, almost knocking him over.

"Emmett. Just. Be. Quiet. I have been so nice about this whole thing, and now, just shut up!" Emmett chuckled at her outburst and steadied himself again.

"Uh…Bella…it's okay…you know, I could have told Nessie that vampiric inbreeding is what's going on, but…I didn't."

"Why would you have told her that? Considering that is not going on, never went on, and never will go on! Don't talk so loud, Miss Hart will hear you!" She cried. Nessie never moved. She just watched the unusual scene unfolding before her. Bella sat on the floor, and finally tried the relaxation technique that she, Alice, and Rose had learned at the spa. Meanwhile, Rose had gone to see Nessie, Edward and Jasper were yelling at each other, and Emmett had his hands over his ears and was repeatedly muttering "la, la, la, la" to himself to block us out. I was the only one still on the phone.

"Hi? Miss Hart? It's Alice…sorry about that."

"Don't be! That was so interesting…"

"Okay, well, um…I'll just tell you the truth…we're pretty unusual, but not in a bad way. Jacob is not after Nessie in that way, and Jasper and I, and Edward and Bella, are not brother and sister, I promise…" she was quiet, and then laughed.

"Good…because I think I might have had to report some of that…do you really think you're a vampire?"

"Actually, I'm fairly certain I am…if not…something very odd has been going on with me for the last eighty-five years…"

"Well, then…I'll call you back tomorrow, then. Thank you all so much…I'm sure we would all love to have you on the show. Goodbye…" and she hung up. Vision-me took a deep breath, and stared calmly at the kitchen. Esme and Carlisle came walking down the stairs.

"What's going on?" They gasped in unison.

"That's just what I wanted to know…" Renesmee sighed wistfully, and Rose, who was holding her, giggled quietly. "Emmett said that Mike Newton was going on, but I don't think he knows." Esme took a moment to fully observe the state of the room and the people in it.

"Has there been a natural disaster, or terrorist attack or something?" Carlisle asked, possibly hoping it was one of the two.

"No…we just got a phone call…" Emmett, who had finally uncovered his ears, explained. Esme narrowed her eyes, as if she were searching for a reason for the weirdness that had just gone on. She took Nessie from Rose, and carried her upstairs with Carlisle following the two of them.

"Grandpa, maybe you should ask if they need a doctor…" Nessie called on her way up the stairs. That _is_ how it may have appeared. I put my head in my hands, resting my elbows on the counter, and enjoyed the infrequent silence. After a short, but much enjoyed hush, Rose walked into the adjacent living room and sat in one of the oversized white armchairs. Emmett followed her and took a seat on the couch. Soon after, Edward and Bella went too, and then Jasper and I.

"What I wanna know is why Miss Hart is so into Mike Newton? He's a lot more boring than we are…" Edward wondered.

"Huh…I'm thinking…it's because Mike Newton has that classic all American appeal, as opposed to you, a more Byronic figure…" Emmett drawled in a bad accent of some sort.

"How do you know what a Byronic figure is?" Jasper laughed.

"I found it on Wikipedia. I love that website…"

"Me too…" was this crazy or what? We were practically in at war only minutes ago! I guess Jerry Springer brings out the worst in people…

"I'm just hoping that Mike Newton is not involved in this any further…"

And then the vision faded to black again…

**I love reviews, so please please review!!!!! The show will probably start in another chapter or two!!!!**


	4. Loser Calls Mike Newton

Apparently there was more to the vision yet, because immediately, a new scene came into view. Jasper and I sat on the front porch, talking, and seemingly not thinking about the show at all. It was a beautiful day, still not far in the future. All the leaves were still green on the trees. From inside, the phone rang, and with each ring, Jasper shivered, most likely knowing exactly who was calling—the woman who had become my worst enemy—Miss Hart. She symbolized everything having to do with The Jerry Springer Show.

"I hope--" vision-me started to say.

"Alice, Jasper, come in here! Guess who's on the phone!" I didn't have to guess. Slowly, dreading the call, we made our way into the house.

"It's Miss Hart again!" squealed Rose with mock enthusiasm.

"Hi everybody!" she yelled.

"Hi, Miss Hart." Jasper and I sounded vaguely like a class greeting their teacher in the morning.

"Alright, so I would love for you to come on, as I said yesterday. I think that you are just what we need, and judging from your antics last night, I'm sure everyone will be interested. So, I was wondering if you could talk to me about Mike Newton."

"Okay, I guess…uh…what is there to tell?"

"Give me the phone back Jasper!" reluctantly, Jasper handed Emmett the phone.

"Hi, Miss Hart, me again….um, well, Mike Newton is a very interesting fellow…"

"In what way?"

"He is actually…" I could tell that Emmett was about to make something up, but just didn't feel like stopping him, "an illegal immigrant. Shh…don't tell anybody."

"Really!? Wow…from Mexico?" he paused to think again.

"No, from…Alaska…" Edward elbowed him, "what?" Emmett mouthed.

"Alaska isn't another country." Edward whispered back.

"Oh…um, I said Alaska, I meant Switzerland."

"Oh, I get it now…why did he come over here? Switzerland seems like a nice place…"

"Yes, it his, but you see, Mike had to leave."

"Why is that?"

"He was exiled by the Swiss government."

"Why?!" Mrs. Hart puffed, shocked. Edward decided to speak; releasing it was a chance to bad talk Mike.

"He was the head of a major crime family. Basically the head of the whole Swiss mafia…he had a tough childhood I think…"

"I didn't know that Switzerland had a mafia!" she cried.

"It's a bad one, too…but Mike's great!"

"Alright, good…because I've talked to everybody working on the show, and we think that you should all be on a two hour long special! Wouldn't that be great? We would have loads of time to discuss Mike." Bella looked like she was about to cry (well, dry crying at least).

"Cool!" Emmett yelled.

"Is there anybody that you'd like to settle a score with or anything…the stage is yours for two hours…" we all thought it through.

"Actually, now that you mention it, there is somebody…"

"Was that Bella? Who, Bella?" Miss Hart was way too curious.

"Leah. Guys, wouldn't she make for a good, awkward, show with lots of yelling?" we all nodded, because she really would, given the fact that she has several issues to work out…"

"Leah…?"

"Clearwater. From La Push, Washington. Look her up." Miss Hart took the time to write down the information we had just given her.

"Anybody else?"

"Jasper…" Bella called him over to her and lowered her voice so it was barely audible, "I think that you should try to sort out the issues you have with J. Jenks…please…?"

"Seeing me on this show would make him so much more scared of me, trust me…"

"J. Jenks!" Emmett yelled into the phone.

"Do we have a real first name?"

"I have no idea…just look up document forgers, you'll find him."

"You people live a twisted life…but okay!" Jasper was still stewing over what Emmett had just said.

"Well this sounds just so good…your show is being taped…exactly one week from today…so show up at the studio at 9:00 that morning. We can put you in a hotel if you want?"

"That's okay; we'll take care of it…"

"Okay…I'll look up Leah Clearwater. Since I don't have a first name, could you talk to J. Jenks, tell him the information, would you? And Mike Newton too…because…I'm afraid to talk to him, with the whole Swiss mafia thing…" Miss Hart twittered on, talking extremely fast for a human.

"Got it! Bye…"

"Bye." Once the phone was hung up on the hook again, the six of us took seats at the kitchen island.

"So…who's going to contact Mike Newton?" No one spoke.

"Come on! He isn't that bad…" I whined.

"How about rock, paper, scissors…Alice, Edward, you can't play, obviously." Bella suggested.

"I'll go against Rose, Emmett goes against Jasper, and losers do the final round…whoever loses the final round calls Mike…deal?" They all moved into "Rock, paper, scissors" position.

"Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" Rose clenched her fist, signifying rock. Bella put her index and middle finger into the scissors symbol.

"Yay! I win!" Rose sang.

"Okay, Jasper…rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" Emmett yelled, pumped up at the idea of any competition, as usual. Jasper made the scissors symbol with his left hand, and Emmett twirled his finger around in a circle.

"What is _that_?" Jasper scoffed.

"Tornado, it beats everything."

"There's no such thing as 'tornado'. New round. Ready…" this time, Emmett did the tornado symbol yet again, so Jasper retaliated by not doing anything.

"You have to do something!" Emmett shouted.

"_You_ have to do a real…thing…rock, paper, or scissors. And I did do a real thing. This is vampire. Vampire beats everything. You should know that…"

"Fine! Rock, paper, scissors, tornado, vampire, shoot!" and, of course, they continued to do tornado and vampire until Bella told them to stop.

"This obviously isn't working…can't we just…flip a coin? That way it's fair, and at least Edward can get a chance to call Mike."

"Okay…I have a quarter…" Rose pulled a quarter from the pocket of her white Seven for all Mankind denim mini skirt, "Okay so I flip the coin. Whoever loses joins the loser's circle, then the losers face off…loser of the losers has to call…Em, you go against me…heads or tails?" He considered it for a minute.

"I guess…heads." She flipped the coin, and it landed heads up.

"Yes!!! I feel so safe now!" Emmett shrieked jovially. Rose grumpily made her way over to the designated "loser's spot".

"Edward and I will go next." Bella held out her hand so Rose could toss her the coin.

"Kay'…heads or tails, Edward?"

"Heads…because it won last time." Bella flipped the quarter, and again, it landed heads up.

"Ugh!" Bella groaned. Edward smiled, relieved.

"Alright…somebody go for Alice…"

"I will." Bella volunteered, "Heads or tails?" Automatically, Jasper picked heads…tails won.

"Okay, me and Jasper, winner and Rose…"

"I'll have tails this time." Bella flipped the coin, and Jasper waited, hoping for tails…but it was heads up.

"You still have a chance to beat Rosalie…" Bella assured him. Rose took the coin.

"I get tails…" she flipped it, and when it landed, everyone rushed to see who would be calling…

"Tails is up! Yes! Yes! Yes! Jasper, you call!" Rose sat down and breathed a sigh of relief. Jasper wore the face that he often wore if in close contact with humans.

"I'll look up his phone number for you." I smiled and walked of to search online. When I got to the computer, I typed in 'Newton, Forks, Washington'. Luckily, only one number came up.

"Okay…the number is…area code 360; number is 604-2287…" I dictated the numbers to Jasper when I returned to the living room, and he punched them in on the phone. On the third ring, a woman picked up, probably Mike's mother.

"Hi…can I talk to Mike?"

"Sure…" in the background, she called Mike's name.

"Hello?" Mike answered.

"Hi…"

"Who is this?"

"This is Jasper Hale…"

"Oh…uh…hi?"

"Hi…I have a favor to ask you."

"Go ahead…" Mike sounded nervous now.

"I need you to go on The Jerry Springer Show with me…and the rest of my family."

"What?"

"I said, I need you to go on The Jerry Springer Show with me and my family." The other end was quiet, and Mike's giggling could be hear in the background. Jasper looked angrily at us, and we simply shrugged and smiled.

"I heard you; I just want to know if this is a joke."

"No, Mike Newton, it is not a joke…yes or no?" Mike considered the idea for quite a while, and eventually answered.

"Okay, I'll do it…will Bella be there?" Edward rolled his eyes.

"Oh yes, she certainly will be…however, she's a bit different…but we'll chat about that later…can you make arrangements to fly out to Pennsylvania early next week? You can stay with us before we go to the show taping…" Jasper looked at us with a sly grin. So that was his revenge against us for making him call…

"I'll ask my mom…" Mike asked his mother, and much to our dismay, she said yes.

"Okay, sounds great, It'll be so fun…we'll call you later…um…the show is a week from today." Mike and Jasper exchanged goodbyes, and hung up the phone. Jasper gave us a huge smile that actually appeared genuine, although I'm sure it wasn't.

"So not only are we going on the show with Mike Newton, we also have to have him in our home, and drive to Chicago with him!" Edward yelled. Jasper calmly nodded.

"I'm not riding with him!" Emmett called, making sure he was heard. Bella started her relaxation technique again.

"I know it's a bad time to ask this…but who's going to contact J. Jenks?"

"Jasper."

"Emmett! I just called Mike!"

"I'll do it. He only knows you and I, and I think he's terrified of you, for whatever reason. By the way, his first name is Jason…that's what the J. stands for."

"Thank you so much, Bella!" Jasper sighed. Bella smiled and reached for the phone.

"Do you have his number memorized?"

"Yeah…360-971-0510." Bella called the number without complaining.

"Hello, this is the office of J. Jenks, J. Jenks speaking!"

"Hello…this is Bella Cullen…"

"Oh! Of course! Mr. Jasper is doing well, I assume?"

"Yes…a little annoyed at the moment, but yes…"

"Good…what do you need?" I considered how to phrase my request.

"I actually need you to go on The Jerry Springer Show with me, and Jasper, and the rest of our family…who you haven't met, I don't believe." Just like with Mike, there was a brief shocked silence at the other end.

"Um…okay, I suppose…but you won't mention the business I'm in?"

"Well…no, but if one of us accidentally already did, I promise, no trouble would result…"

"Alright…I guess."

"Excellent! The show shoots a week from today, so all you have to do is be at the taping spot at 9:00 in the morning, in Chicago…"

"I can do that!"

"Good…hmm…goodbye…"

"Lovely speaking to you again…" when Bella set down the phone, she was smiling broadly, and genuinely, for one of the first times since the whole Jerry Springer thing began.

"That was easy. A nice conversation. Jasper, you and Mike's little chat couldn't have been that bad…"

"But it's Mike Newton…and…it's Mike."

"None of you have even considered how many issues there are with Mike Newton staying with us. He doesn't know Nessie, none of us have aged, Bella looks totally different, and I don't even want him here!" Rose moaned. When Carlisle arrived home from work, we all ran outside to greet him with the news.

"Okay—have we got news for you!" the rest of us frowned at Emmett's excited comment, hopefully warning Carlisle about the nature of the news.

"We're going on the Jerry Springer Show with Leah Clearwater and J. Jenks and Mike Newton." Edward stared at the ground dejectedly as he said this.

"And Mike Newton is staying with us…as in, staying in our house!" Bella squealed.

"How did this happen?" Poor Carlisle—he was completely confused.

"Long story that you don't want to hear…" Rose promised him. As all of us walked up the steps to the front door, the phone rang inside. Emmett ran to answer it, probably assuming it was Miss Hart again.

"Hello?" as he held the phone up to his ear, he never talked, but made a variety of odd faces, varying from disbelief to amusement. When the conversation ended, we were all eager to know what had been said, and by who.

"What was that about?"

"That was the single weirdest phone call I have ever received—or made. And Believe me—I've made a lot of weird calls…"

"Emmett—who was it?!"

"That was Aro…he…wanted to know if…he and Marcus, and Caius…_and_ the entire guard…could come on The Jerry Springer Show with us…" we just stared. There were absolutely no words.

This vision just got a lot weirder.


	5. Mike Has Arrived

Although I couldn't be sure about time passing in my vision, it seemed that the next part of the nightmare was about five days after we had invited Mike. The day he was set to fly in from Forks. His flight came in at noon, and after another extremely heated coin toss, Emmett and Edward were chosen to pick Mike up from the airport. Edward was _very_ unhappy about this.

"We're leaving now!" Edward called to the rest of the house as he and Emmett walked out the door.

"Yeah! Say goodbye to comfortable normality, and get ready to welcome pure awkwardness! And Jasper, get ready to hold your breath… or appear very uptight…whatever one floats your boat… Bye!"

"So, Edward, two hour drive from here to Philly…let's play a game…you look for green SUVs', I look for blue pickups!"

"No." Edward said simply, not even looking at Emmett.

"What?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I'm mad at you." Emmett looked bewildered. He, somehow, could genuinely not understand.

"Why!?"

"Hmm…maybe I'm just completely random, or maybe it has something to do with the fact that you signed me up for The Jerry Springer Show, got the people on that show thinking that Bella is my sister, made fun of Renesmee's name, told people that we're _vampires_, and are having Mike Newton stay with us!"

"I'm guessing that…it's the second reason?"

"That would be correct." Edward still looked straight ahead.

"Well…this is going to be a very boring ride, in that case…" the two sat silently for only a few minutes before Emmett got bored.

"I'm sorry…" Edward looked at him, at least.

"Eyes on the road…" Emmett flashed a mischievous, toothy grin.

"Shut up."

"Okay…but sorry…" Edward nodded slightly.

"So you aren't mad at me?" Edward didn't respond.

"Are you? I hate when people are mad…" Edward gripped the steering wheel tighter. But, most likely sensing it would be a long ride, he decided to forgive, at least partially.

"So, remember…we have to act human, you know, while Mike is with us…until we tell _everyone_ our secret on daytime TV…"

"Edward, they'll think we're lying…and the Volturi have all expressed their indifference, considering they will be appearing on the show…"

"Don't talk about it, please…I don't even want to think about that right now…and you know how they knew? _Carlisle_ wrote a letter, to make sure it was okay to tell, about vampires…I just…god help us all, that's all I'm going to say…"

"So would you say you've missed Mike?"

"No." Edward didn't seem to find the situation nearly as funny as Emmett.

"So…act human, right…blink, breathe, bathroom—three B's…that's funny…three B's…"

"Also, you'll shift around once in a while…" clearly, Edward said this because it did not begin with a B, to ruin Emmett's moment. He was still angry, clearly.

"Fine." Emmett huffed, sounding like a child. And they were quiet until they arrived. Emmett watched the scenery pass by on the way, noting various points of interest. When the car slowly came to a stop in the airport parking garage, Emmett and Edward got out of the Volvo and started towards the main entrance.

"We should've planned some fun activities to do with Mike!"

"Weird…" after going around in the revolving door more than once, Edward and Emmett walked through the main atrium, and then baggage claim.

"So he's coming from there?" Emmett pointed to an arrival gate.

"Yes—and Emmett…don't freak him out…"

"How would I do that? There he is!!" and Emmett dashed towards Mike. Edward remained standing where he was, and Mike looked frightened by Emmett's excitement.

"Hi, Emmett…Edward…" Mike nodded uncomfortably in greeting. Edward returned the gesture. Emmett lifted Mike's four bags with ease and carried them to Edward.

"How was your flight?" Edward asked Mike politely.

"Fine, thanks…"

"So, you know that you're going to be on the Jerry Springer show, right?"

"Yeah, Jasper told me…"

"Good…we felt that it would be healthy to confront you. I think you and Edward may have some bottled up feelings towards each other…right?" Mike stared at Emmett as if he were crazy.

"Don't listen to Emmett…" Edward sighed.

"Will you play a game with me on the ride home?"

"Um…no…"

"I hate you Mike Newton…" they then proceeded to the parking lot. Edward loaded Mike's bags into the trunk, and Emmett slid into the passenger seat. Mike took a seat in the bucket chair behind him. When Edward started the car and drove off, and awkward silence settled, due to the presence of the wonderful Mike Newton. Emmett attempted to make conversation.

"So, Mike…what's happened since we left? A lot? Have you gone to prison? Have you fathered any children? How about deaths…has anybody close to you died?" a huge smile remained on Emmett's face the entire time he talked. Mike looked ill at ease yet again.

"Um…no, to everything…"

"Hmm…have you committed any crimes, or won any raffles, maybe?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Just trying to see if you had any major milestones lately…"

"No…how about you?"

"Well…you know…not much…if you want to hear about news, talk to Edward…" Edward discreetly put him foot over to the passenger side and kicked Emmett in the shin.

"Ow! Edward is a very private person…as you know…so are you excited to see everyone?"

"Um…well, I'm excited to see Bella…" Edward squeezed the steering wheel as hard as he could without destroying it.

"About Bella…she's--"

"Emmett, could I speak with you outside the car for a minute?" Edward was obviously about to lose it completely. Nonetheless, Emmett immediately got out of the car.

"What?"

"Stop talking…don't say anything about what has happened since we last saw Mike…just use whatever common sense you do have…" Edward spoke very quickly, so the two were back in the car after only a few seconds.

"Okay…let's get going"

"Mike, would you like the heat on?"

"No, I'm good…" and those were the last words spoken until they arrived home. From inside, voices could be heard faintly, probably not capable of being heard by Mike, thank god.

"They're back…guys, get ready, act human…Rose, bring Renesmee upstairs, and Jasper, get out of the coat closet! That won't help with the human scent…" Bella screamed.

"Where's Alice?" Rose called back to her.

"I don't know…Alice… what are you doing in the dryer?"

"Looking for the match to this sock…I have a mate less sock!" Edward seemed to be stalling a bit in order to give everyone more time to prepare. When he finally got out of the car, he took his time with the bags.

"And Mike?"

"Yeah?" Mike again looked a bit tense, a bit intimidated by Edward, as usual.

"Bella--"

"We sold her on EBay…there is, however, a new Bella that lives with us."

"Emmett, please….anyways, Mike, she's just…a bit different…she _looks_ different…just to let you know" Mike gulped audibly.

"And if Jasper seems…a little on edge…it's because he is, about you coming…but don't worry. He's probably just intimidated by you…or he likes you…" Emmett raised his eyebrows suggestively. Mike didn't seem to get the joke. He just looked even more frightened.

"Let's go…" Edward yelled behind him on the way in. As they approached the front porch, I opened the door to greet them.

"Hi! Mike, how are you?"

"Good!" Mike seemed a little happier around me…I am, unarguably, the least intimidating of all of us.

"Come in!" Rose came and stood behind me. The three of them crossed the threshold and set Mike's bags down on the couch. Rose and I sat, and Mike did the same. Jasper sat uncomfortably on the other end of the couch, as far away from Mike as possible. Bella walked in from the kitchen.

"Hi, Mike…it's me." Mike stared, not saying anything for a few moments, until he was able to quietly utter, "you look good".

"How was the ride back from the airport?" Bella asked, eyeing Emmett suspiciously.

"Fine…are you sure that Jasper only does that if he likes someone?" we all turned to look at an uneasy Jasper.

"Yes, positive." We promised in unison.

"So, Mike Newton, where do you want to sleep? We have the couch, the guest bedroom…or you could always sleep in Jasper and Alice's bed, with Jasper and Alice…" again, Mike missed the humor. Although Emmett probably wanted him to believe he was serious.

"I'll take the guest bedroom…" wonderful. There's no way I would pretend to sleep all night…Jasper looked very relieved, as did Mike.

"Do you want some food, Mike?" Rose asked.

"Sure…whatever…" Rose disappeared into the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge, eventually finding an unopened bag of Ruffles potato chips, meant for Jake.

"Here" she tossed the bag at Mike. As Mike sat on the couch eating the chips, Emmett got up and looked through the hall closet. Eventually, he emerged with a game box—Imaginiff.

"Mike Newton, do you know how to play Imaginiff?" he shook his head.

"Well you're going to learn! We're playing Imaginiff…Emmett style." Edward and Bella groaned.

"So there are eight spots on the board, and you write a name in each one, of someone you know, or someone famous. And then, you roll the dice. You move the name choosing piece around to see who the subject of the round will be, and then you pick a card, and you read it off. The cards are always like 'if so and so were a food, what kind would he/she be?' And you have to guess, and anyone with the majority answer gets to move forward a space…and you can use the six number cars that you get to tell which number answer you want" Emmett explained quite nicely I thought. He didn't ramble one bit.

"Okay…Mike, pick what color game piece you want…" Mike picked red. We each chose our pieces, and Rose wrote names around the board. Bella, Edward, Emmett, Mike, Jacob, Jasper, Me, and then her own name.

"Roll the dice to see who the subject of the first round is." Rose rolled a five, landing on Jasper. Emmett chose a card from the pile.

"If Jasper were a pet, which would he be? A Chia pet, a Rottweiler, a ferret, a guinea pig, a tarantula, or a parakeet?" everyone thought the question over. When we had made our decisions, we flipped our cards. Edward said a ferret, Bella said a ferret as well, and I said a parakeet, as did Jasper himself. Rose said a ferret, Emmett said a chia pet. At first, Mike claimed he didn't know Jasper well enough to say, but then Emmett assured Mike that he was a chia pet. Ferret was the majority pick, so Bella, Edward, and Rose moved their pieces forward.

"Why am I a chia pet?" Jasper asked Emmett, completely puzzled.

"Because you have awesome, fluffy hair!" Emmett acted as if it was totally obvious, but he does have nice hair…

"Okay, I'll roll…" Bella tossed the dice, and it teetered on corner for a moment before landing with a tiny thud on the board. Four. Bella picked a card and giggled.

"If Mike were a term of endearment, which one would he be? Schmoopy, cupcake, kemosabe, smarty pants, pumpkin, or little buddy?" we all made our choices, and then flipped our number cards. Everyone said little buddy, except for Mike himself.

"So you don't think you're little buddy?" Jasper asked, puzzled.

"No…I think I'm more of a pumpkin…my mom calls me that…" he blushed slightly, and there was another awkward silence between him and us.

"Okay…" Edward rolled a six, "If…I had to get a tattoo, what would it be? An anchor, 'mom' with a heart, a barcode, barbed wire, a smiley face, or a shamrock?" this one took a while.

"I would never get a tattoo—ever…so…"

"It's called 'Imaginiff', Edward," Jasper actually spoke! He did, however tense up a bit. "So just pretend, if you did get a tattoo…not that you could…" we shot Jasper subtle disapproving looks.

"But can we add possible answers…because none of the ones that are on the card relate to Edward at all!"

"Well, none of the answers on my card related to me…" Mike volunteered.

"Actually, Mike, little buddy is the perfect nickname for you…I'm going to start calling you that…" Emmett laughed.

"No, it's okay…"

"Sorry little buddy…you can't change it now." Mike rolled his eyes. He was annoyed with Emmett! Maybe he should try living with him…well; unfortunately, he was, for the next two days…

"Just pick answers!" Bella groaned. We chose our answers, and flipped the answer number cards again.

"No! I would not…" Edward scoffed looking over the answers. Edward had put a smiley face. Everyone else had put an anchor.

"Yes…" Rose argued.

"Why?"

"Because…you're like a tough, nautical sailor…" I explained.

"Like Popeye." Emmett added. Edward ignored him, purposely, I'm sure.

"No…not really…"

"How about barbed wire, because you've got a criminal mind…" Jasper offered.

"No…fine…you guys all move forward one space…" Edward huffed. The rest of us moved our pieces. Emmett rolled a two, and moved the piece to Mike's name.

"If Mike had to do one of the following, which would he fear the most? Hang glide, address congress, take a fifth grade standardized test, use a public restroom, take a weekend trip with the in-laws, or hang out with circus clowns?" Mike looked bothered by the fact that he was, yet again the subject of the question. When we revealed our answers, I saw that Edward, Jasper, and vision-me had put 'Hang out with circus clowns', Bella, Rose, and Mike said 'Address Congress', and Emmett had said 'Use a public restroom'.

"Tie…by the way, why would I be afraid of circus clowns?"

"Isn't everyone" Rose gasped. Mike stared.

"Em, why did you put using a public restroom?"

"Hmm…well, no offense Mike, but you just seem like the type of person that would not want people to hear them pee…" Mike appeared extremely perplexed. And that's when the game started to heat up…

"I'll roll!"

***

"Okay…this might be the last question…if Emmett accidentally backed over the neighbor's cat in the driveway, what would he do? Bury it and say nothing, confess, buy a replacement and pretend nothing happened, place it on the road and say nothing, blame the neighbor for inadequate cat control, or run over it again to make sure it was dead?" That took us all about half a second to answer, even Mike. Even Emmett himself said that he would 'run over it again to make sure it was dead'. Since Bella had been in the lead, she won.

"Yes! I never win games!" I helped clean up, and immediately after the box was back in the closet, Emmett sprang to his feet.

"Mike, we're playing hide and seek with you now! You and Jasper can seek!"

And that was just the beginning of our time with "Little Buddy".


	6. Author's Note

Note: Sorry that this is not a real chappie, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I won't update for a few days, because I'm getting back surgery tomorrow. Wish me luck!! 


	7. On the Road

My longest vision ever wasn't over. Not even close. What must've been about two days later, we were ready to leave for Chicago. Mike Newton was just ready to go home. If he was smart, he probably wasn't excited about hours and hours in the car with us. Jasper had already arranged not to ride with Mike, as did Bella, Rose, and Edward. Emmett and I of course had the unpleasant task of driving with our guest.

"So you can all just follow the Volvo." Bella chirped, happy that she didn't have to be with Mike. I was a little less upbeat, for once.

"Fine…I'll ride in the back—Alice, you and Mike can sit together in the front."

"Emmett--"

"No, Alice, that's so nice of you…but you, can sit with Mike—you deserve it." He smiled genuinely, and I loaded my last Louis Vuitton monogram suitcase into the trunk of the Volvo with a grimace. Emmett opened the door, and I got into the driver's side of my Porsche. Mike got into the passenger seat. In front of us, the Volvo sped down the driveway. I checked my lip-gloss briefly in the rearview mirror and started the car with a sigh. At least it would all be over within a few days. The drive got off to an okay start. About forty minutes in, we passed "The world's biggest ball of yarn" by the side of the road.

"Come on! Let's get out and see it!" Emmett exclaimed

"No…look at it from here." I ordered, not looking away from the road.

"Alice! Please!"

"No." I could see him pouting the rear view mirror, like a little kid, but tried not to pay any attention.

"Hey Mike?" Emmett tapped our human guest on the shoulder.

"What?"

"Let's play a game! How about…we could play the cow game…"

"What's the 'cow game'?"

"You look for cows out your window, and you count how many you see…if you see a cemetery, you lose your cows…"

"No thanks…" Mike looked at the ground uncomfortably.

"Okay, well…we could play 'I Spy'…"

"Okay…" Mike agreed unenthusiastically.

"Yes! Okay…I spy with my little eye…something blue."

"The sky."

"Damn it! How did you know?!"

"It was pretty easy…I'll do one, I spy something--"

"Mike Newton, you have to say 'I spy with my little eye'" Mike rolled his eyes.

"Fine—I spy with my little eye something…black…"

"Hmm…the seats?"

"No."

"Alice"

"Alice isn't black."

"I meant her hair…"

"Oh, well, no…"

"My hair?"

"Nope." It was easy to tell that poor Mike was getting tired of the game, but felt the need to keep playing. And given Emmett's level of "I Spy" ability, this could take a while.

"Um…the car tires?" Mike shook his head 'no'.

"The car?"

"The car is yellow…" Mike was clearly confused.

"Yes, but some varieties are black…"

"No."

"Alice's eyes?"

"I thought they were brown…like topaz, I noticed the other day…"

"No…I don't think…turn around Alice…" vision me turned, and the car swerved sharply. Mike let out a small scream.

"Yeah, her eyes are black."

"I read that only…uh…ethnic people can have black eyes…"

"Oh…well Alice is mostly Vietnamese…"

"I'm not! I'm um…Laos…" a look of understanding crossed Mike's face.

"Well, that still isn't it."

"I don't want to play this anymore…" Emmett sighed. Mike looked rather relieved. That is, he looked relieved until he looked sick, at which point he threw up—all over my Pucci shirt.

"Ahh!!!" I screamed, and everyone in the Volvo turned around and laughed quietly. I hissed at them quietly whilst trying to hold back tears.

"Mike…I didn't…know…you got…carsick…" Emmett was in hysterics.

"Yeah, sorry, all the time…"

"Ugghhh! I have to stop off and get a new top…is there any major city or outlet mall around that might have stores I like? Check the GPS, Em." He reached into my travel purse and pulled out the navigation system which I had named Sacajawea.

"It says that the closest clothing store is Wall-mart, and that's thirty miles away…"

"Are you serious?!" I asked, incredulous.

"Yep." Emmett popped the 'p'.

"This is a…disaster…wait, all the suitcases are in the Volvo, we can just ask them to pull over…" I sighed. Of course, the occupants of the other car found the situation amusing, and could of course hear me. They sped off, going at the speed we usually reach when we aren't on the highway. Several other cars beeped their horns at the speed of the silver car. I accelerated, causing Mike to vomit a bit more, luckily out the window.

"I am going to get them! There is no way I'm going to Wall-mart!" they went even faster although it didn't seem possible. Eventually, I can't believe I did it, but I gave in, and when the Wall-mart neared, I pulled over and found a parking spot close to the huge store. Taking a deep breath, and trying to ignore the smell and sight of Mike puke covering my shirt, I stepped out of the car gracefully and danced towards the building. Emmett followed, and Mike came slowly. The automatic doors opened, and I stormed inside.

"I cannot believe this!" vision-me muttered under my breath.

"Sorry…" Mike whispered, and I forced a smile, clearly feeling guilty.

"It's okay Mike…" I turned around quickly so that I was not facing him.

"May I help you with something?" a younger, bright eyed sales girl asked.

"Oh, yes, thanks! Show me the most expensive shirt you have here…" she looked at me strangely for a moment, and walked off, assuming we would follow, which we did. Eventually, we made it to the spot. The shirt was a grey baby doll top. I glanced at the price tag—only $45, for the most expensive top in the place?! But it would have to do.

"Okay…" I moaned, grabbing an extra small off the rack, and then turned around. That's when I noticed that Emmett was no longer in sight. Mike still looked a bit sick, but less green then before—I didn't think humans actually got green, but he had gotten a little bit of a green tinge before, actually.

"Mike, help me look for him…did you see him go anywhere?"

"No…this is weird…I was in school with you guys…I wouldn't have guessed this would be how Emmett would act…" I snorted.

"Maybe you should try living with him for seventy years…"

"Seventy years?!" I rolled my eyes and grabbed Mike by the hand, pulling him down the aisle.

"We don't have time for that discussion right now, Little Buddy…"

"Alice, please, don't call me that just because of that stupid game…" he groaned.

"Would he rather me call you 'Kemosabe, like the Lone Ranger?"

"Who?"

"Never mind Mike, I guess you're too young to remember…"

"You're the same age as--"

"Shut up Mike." I said simply. We had been down multiple aisles and still had seen no sign of Emmett. Finally, after at least ten minutes, we found a guy dressed in a huge blowup "Cheetoes Cheetah" costume, handing out free bags of his product. Posing for a picture with him was the only six and a half foot tall vampire in the world that _would_ pose for a picture with a character in costume (well, I'm guessing he's the only one).

"Emmett! Get over here!" I screamed, not seeming to notice the mess still on my shirt. But really, in my opinion, it's better to have a dirty Pucci top than a clean one from Wall-mart.

"Hey, Alice, Mike Newton!" he ran over to us at an acceptable human speed, and tossed Mike a bag of Cheetoes.

"You know, Emmett, you don't always have to call me by my full name…"

"I know, I just like to…anyways, I asked someone to take my picture with that guy, and that nice man said yes! I'm not sure where he is now…"

"You know the picture would be on his camera, right…"

"I did not think about that, but, now, yes I do…"

"Let's check out." We slowly ambled over to the check out area, and waited in line. The woman in front of us looked familiar…very. I've never thought very much about fate, since I know for certain that the future can be changed, but this couldn't be a coincidence. In front of us, I realized, stood Bella's human mother—Renee. She didn't know any of us, but I had seen her in pictures. I wondered if vision-me would do anything. It seemed that Emmett noticed too. He and I exchanged a long glance—it must have been long, since Mike seemed to notice. Emmett, without saying another word, reached forward and tapped Renee on the shoulder, and she turned fully around. She was pretty, in a natural sort of way, and looked almost identical to Bella when she was human, with a few differences that came with age. She even had the same brown eyes.

"Excuse me…um…you're Renee, right…?" she looked a little afraid, probably that a stranger knew exactly who she was, but she answered.

"Yes…who are you?"

"You know Bella?" Renee nodded, and a wistful look crossed her face.

"She's my daughter…my only daughter. She got married, and since then…" she shrugged, and seemed to be getting chocked up, "we haven't spoken—in years…I don't know why…" she seemed genuinely heart broken. I would definitely tell Bella to give her a call, or even invite her over—she could keep a secret, maybe…

"I'm her brother!" Renee looked confused.

"Well…um, I meant brother in law…don't worry—I'm not your son. She's…uh…like a sister to me…I'm Emmett Cullen." Renee gave a small half smile.

"Why hasn't she called, or written, or responded to my emails, or anything?"

"There's a good, weird reason…but I'll make sure she gets in contacts with you…" I promised, positive Bella would, if given the chance. Renee turned back around. It was clear even to the human eye, most likely, that she was shaking slightly. Emmett and I were a bit shaken, and Mike had absolutely no idea what was going on. We walked silently to the car. I drove to a more secluded area on the side of the road, out of the parking lot.

"Close your eyes—no peaking Mike!" I shot a suspicious look at him, and then changed my shirt. Great, this day was off to a super start—already my outfit was ruined, and Mike could always get sick again—and we had no idea where everybody else was.

"Get the GPS again, since we can't follow them, find the quickest route to Chicago." I sighed.

"'Kay"

"Mike…if you're going to throw up, lean out the window, or towards Emmett." For the first time _ever_, Mike Newton looked angry.

"Alice, I can't help if I get sick!"

"I know that…just…aim it somewhere that doesn't ruin my clothing, okay?"

"Do you feel bad for me at all?!"

"Yes, Mike, I'm just asking." Emmett started to laugh quietly from the back seat. I scowled at him in the rearview mirror, and he laughed harder.

"Well, no, I can't…I cannot control it in time!" he crossed his arms and looked the other war.

"Mike, don't give me that attitude!"

"Why did you all even invite me in the first place?"

"Oh, now you're just being mean…"

"No, I mean it! This has also been the weirdest trip ever…I wanna go home!"

"What?!" I was really angry then. If it were possible, my face would be beat red.

"Honestly! Bella is totally different, Edward has acted mad at me this whole time, Jasper just looks…so…constipated, or something, when he's around me--" he crossed the line.

"Mike! Shut up. I mean it; I am at the end of my rope with you! I am! You crossed a line! Jasper has nothing wrong with his bowels, he is trying his hardest not to attack you!" suddenly, Mike looked downright terrified, instead of angry. Emmett had stopped laughing a few seconds ago, and now he looked just as shocked as amused at how intense the fight between Mike and I had gotten.

"Alice? Why…are you…baring your teeth at me like a dog!?" Mike screamed loud enough that the man in the car next to us turned to look and see what was going on. I hadn't noticed that I had been—natural vampire reflex…oops.

"I'm not a dog, why are you being so mean to me!?"

"Why would Jasper attack me?!"

"He wouldn't!!!!!" I bellowed shrilly, and very _very_ loudly.

"I told you Mike—he likes you—he's questioning his sexuality, I think…" Emmett added from the back seat.

"That's it! I'm stopping this car, you two!" but before I could come to a slow halt, the sight before me made me slam on the brakes…


	8. Emergency

When the car stopped abruptly, all the color drained from Mike's face, and then he turned greenish for a second time. Luckily, this time he vomited out the window instead of on me. Finally, we had caught up to the rest of the family. Bella, Edward, Rose, and Jasper stood on the side of the road. The car was parked at an angle—not really parked actually—stopped. A smell hit me—deer's blood—and I peered around the Volvo. A small deer was in front of the vehicle, its neck bent at an unnatural angle. Bella looked somber, and everybody else looked bored.

"What's going on?" Mike grumbled, sounding as sick as I'm sure he felt. Answering his question, Emmett yelled out the window.

"You guys hit a deer?! Who was driving?" Edward raised his hand slightly. He had a sheepish and slightly perturbed look plastered across his face. Emmett, Mike, and I got out of the Porsche and trudged over to the spot where everyone stood.

"So…is someone going to move it?" Emmett asked, but nobody volunteered.

"I will, I guess since I hit it…" Edward agreed grudgingly. Before he could move the dead animal, Bella grabbed his arm, and pulled him back.

"Edward, no, you can't!"

"Bella …why…what's the problem?"

"How would you feel if you got hit by a Volvo and nobody gave you a proper burial and funeral?"

"Love…that couldn't happen…there's no way I would be killed by a Volvo…and if I could be, I assume it would be a big enough deal to warrant a ceremony of sorts…"

"Exactly! We have to honor this deer…in some way" even though I couldn't see everybody's faces, I was fairly certain that everyone, other than Edward and Bella, had rolled their eyes discreetly.

"We've already been delayed by the traffic…let's get a move on!" Rose whined, but nobody paid any attention.

"If it's really _that_ important…we can…do something for the deer, I guess." Jasper agreed, forcing a smile, even though he was, in all likelihood, as against the pause in our trip as everyone else.

"Thank you Jasper!" Bella shot a disapproving look at everyone else.

"I'll do it…I just don't get it…" Rose sighed, and Bella smiled.

"Seriously…Bella, do you know how many other deer have died because of you? Why does it matter…we're never going to get to Chicago…" I tried, but she wasn't convinced.

"Why have so many deer died because of Bella?" It was an innocent question of Mike to ask, and he was probably going to find out soon enough…but not now.

"Bella's a big fan of venison…you know...deer." Jasper muttered, obviously trying to breathe as little as possible…

"Yes…she is…Bella, don't you love it…she eats it...like all the time, really. Sometimes with pepper, sometimes with ranch dressing, sometimes raw…" Emmett never knows when to be quiet…

"She hasn't eaten it while I've been here…she hasn't really eaten anything while I've been here. None of you have eaten. I mean, you give me food …and then you guys just…sit…and your parents are never at any meals! It's just me and Jacob!" Mike noted.

"That's because we're all on a diet...and our parents are very busy!" Mike seemed like he was starting to figure things out, not in detail, but that something was up. He wasn't an idiot, contrary to what we had thought. Thank god it hadn't been sunny yet while he was here…

"Fine…what diet?" Mike challenged.

"South Beach"

"The Lose Weight Diet" Bella and I said simultaneously.

"I meant the South Beach diet…I just forgot the name…um, you see, Mike…the branch of the diet that we're doing calls for very little food or drink…" I explained.

"That doesn't seem healthy…" Mike sounded oddly serious.

"Well, it isn't…but just look how thin I am!" he nodded, choosing to let the conversation drop. But he still studied us all, critiquing us, and looking for something that would tell him more, something that he couldn't seem to find.

"Bella…I have been reading about psychology lately, and I think that this deer symbolizes every deer you've ever killed. You feel bad, and you want to project your feelings of guilt on this…" Emmett pointed to the dead deer. We looked at him, shocked that such a comprehensive, scholarly answer had come out of his mouth.

"What?"

"Nothing…you just sounded…smart." Emmett beamed, and his eyes seemed to sparkle.

"Well, if that's the case, we should have a funeral." Edward agreed. Jasper walked into the middle of the strangely vacant highway and picked up the deer with ease, of course. Mike's mouth dropped open. I wonder what his face would of look like if he had seen me lift a five ton truck…

"Let's go into the woods…" Jasper carried the body towards the forest on the other side of the road, and lay the animal down.

"We should clear out the area…" Bella whimpered, seemingly affected by this death. Emmett moved several small trees to clear a circle. Mike huffed; angry he was not in on the secret he knew we had. The rest of us cleared leaves out of the way.

"Okay…I'll go get a rock, for a headstone…" Rose offered. Bella looked grateful. She returned in only minutes, carrying a large boulder.

"Where should it go?" Rose asked. Bella point to a spot above the head of the deer. Rose slowly lowered the rock into place. Bella kneeled down, and put her index finger to the hard stone. Mike gasped as she carved letters, pulverizing the rock delicately. On the "headstone", Bella wrote "_Deer: Rest in Peace"_. The mood was part grave, and part amused, in a way. Bella started to speak.

"Deer, we didn't know your name, or if you had any kids. All we know is that you were part of nature, and that you were a girl…since you don't have horns…and that Edward hit you with his silver Volvo. He's sorry. We're _all _sorry. You're in a better place…I watched Bambi when I was little, and I still can't make it through the movie. I hope you don't have a Bambi. I don't watch Bambi any more, because I always feel like I'm brutally attacking his mother...but we are very sorry." Bella then picked up a leaf, crunched it into small pieces, and sprinkled them over the body. Bella looked very sad. One corner of Edward's mouth was twitching slightly, threatening to turn into a half smile. When Bella sat down next to the deer and started patting the undamaged part of its back, Jasper and I bit our lips to avoid a full on outburst, and Emmett and Rose giggled slightly. Mike looked horrified at the fact that Bella brutally attacked anything. I was the first to break the silence.

"I think we're done here, Bells…" Bella got up.

"Okay…let's go…" and we finally left the woods. The few minutes we were in the forest for felt like an hour. We retreated to the cars. The road had become more populated. When we drove off, Bella looked back at the spot in the woods until we drove out of view of the burial place.

"Well…that was weird…" Mike remarked, "Um…Bella said that she…brutally attacked deer…what's up with that? Does she hunt or something…?"

"Yeah she does!" Emmett boomed, "But she doesn't keep any heads on our wall or anything weird…but it's kind of a family pastime…" Edward, hearing Emmett, honked the horn of the Volvo in warning, as if to say "shut up, he already thinks we're freaks…" I switched on the radio to try to stop Emmett from talking for just a few minutes. "Single Ladies" was playing. Behind me, Emmett picked up a small orange bouncy ball Renesmee had gotten from a machine at the mall for 25₵ and turned it around in his hand. He rolled down the window, and, noticing that the back window of the Volvo was also opened, and that Jasper had his hand out it, threw the ball at full speed, so fast it wasn't visible, in front of the car. Jasper caught it, and rolled the window down further to stick his head out.

"Toss it back!" Emmett screamed, but Jasper had already thrown the ball. This time, I caught it, and tossed it forward to the other side, hoping Rose would catch it. She did. When she threw the ball back, Mike actually managed to not drop it.

"Nice job, Mike!" I encouraged.

"Thanks" and he actually smiled! I was worried the ball, in Mike's hands, wouldn't make it to the next car, and I could tell vision-me was too. But, to my surprise, Bella reached out from the front window and caught it, and threw it back to Emmett. At that point, I barely took notice of the tough looking, built man on a black Harley Davidson motorcycle, riding parallel to the Volvo. His graying brown hair was tied back in a ponytail, and he was wearing large black sunglasses. He was actually wearing a leather jacket—I didn't even know people still did that. Underneath was a black tee shirt with a Harley Davidson logo. Really, he was the absolute epitome of a scary biker. He was around Emmett's size, only fatter, and less muscular. And to be perfectly honest, if I didn't know I could snap him in half easily, I would be a little afraid of him, even safe in my car. I did, however, notice him when Emmett threw the ball and it hit the man square in the head. When the Porsche was level with him, he stared straight at Emmett, unfazed by his size or muscles visible in his short sleeved Mariners tee shirt, and made a face as close to a snarl as any normal human could get. Emmett raised one eyebrow and stared back. I accelerated the car again, and this time, Mike didn't puke all over. He didn't appear sick at all actually. I pressed the pedal—hard, and drove around and in front of the Volvo, as did the motorcycle driver. He was chasing us.

"What's the big deal?!" Emmett yelled at the man out the window, who looked even angrier.

"Don't provoke him!" Mike squealed. I drove the Porsche even faster—faster than I usually do—around 110 miles per hour. The odometer was almost at its limit, and fortunately, nobody was right around us on the road. The motorcycle, some how, was almost keeping up with us. Mike looked behind us.

"The ball's still _way_ back there…" I didn't respond, this had become almost a competition—he couldn't catch us. The man took an empty can of beer from a small compartment on the side of his motorcycle, and then threw it forcefully at the back window where Emmett was sitting. Emmett promptly rolled down his window and stuck his hand out, stuck his middle finger up briefly at our enemy on the motorcycle, and then put his hand back in the car, not before yelling a statement to accompany his gesture.

"Stop it!" I screeched. It seemed impossible that the man was actually going as fast as we were.

"Wow. Do you think he knows he's going 100 miles an hour?" Emmett wondered, basically saying exactly what I was thinking, in his own way…

"Yes, Emmett, I would imagine that he does know…" I said through my teeth, trying to concentrate on the task at hand—getting away. There were no exits coming up. I looked back for only a second to see where the motorcycle was in relation to our car—only a second—but it was enough. He looped in front of the Volvo, and went in front of us. This unexpected move must've surprised Edward, but he maintained control at first. It definitely surprised me—I slammed on the brakes. The Volvo behind me didn't. Instead, Edward, driving at eighty miles an hour not only crashed into the back of the Porsche, the car had enough momentum to jump a foot and roll partially over my little yellow car. The top was crushed, and the sides pushed in. The engine smoked, and I swear I heard Mike Newton crying. Emmett pushed the top of the car up giving us all a little more room. My car was totaled. The motorcycle was hundreds of feet in front of us now. I considered running after him, but quickly let it go. It didn't matter now. The front of the Volvo was also completely smashed, the roof pushed down, pinning Bella in a very uncomfortable, deadly-to-a-human position. Edward was able to shimmy out of the broken window.

"Oh my god… Mike! Are you okay?" Edward ran over to our car, and Mike was probably wondering why Edward was most concerned about him. He of course didn't know our little secret…

"I don't know…" Mike moaned. I was pinned by the metal of the car, but I managed to push the side of the car out, and exited the ruined vehicle. It seemed that back in the Volvo, nobody could move enough to free themselves, but they weren't our first priority here. If we sent Mike back to Forks damaged, there would be trouble.

"Can you breathe Mike?"

"Yeah…" we couldn't see him. He was covered in the wreckage that was front seat, stuck.

"Ahh!! He's bleeding…a lot…" vision-me shrieked. I was proud of myself—I was handling the situation quite well, considering.

"Yeah, Alice, I know…"

"Jasper, whatever you do…don't come over here…" Emmett called back to the Volvo. I tried to focus on something else other than the enticing scent. I thought of how Carlisle and Esme would react when they learned about the accident—but that just made me nervous.

"Alice, who would you say, besides me, would be able to handle this whole thing the best, with the blood, and everything…?"

"Um…me?! I'm standing right here, I'm not attacking him, Emmett wouldn't be able to focus, and everyone else is unable to move! Jasper's out anyways…" I yelled.

"Okay, fine…"

"Sorry I screamed at you…I'm a bit anxious right now, Edward…" he nodded and walked over to my side of the car. I'll say it again…I can't imagine what would be happening if the highway was crowded…

"Pull the side of the car out…and the top…"

"What?! Edward, I don't want to destroy my car…"

"Alice, do you see it? It's a wreck…and we're wasting time, Mike is in there!"

"I know, I know…" I grabbed the car by the opening where the window used to be—now there was just jagged glass—and pulled out the side. It was easier then to push the top of the car up, to free Mike. Edward ripped off the door, and I yelped—it was hard to see this happening. Mike was curled up on the ripped leather, and groaning in agony. Edward pulled him out, and carried him over to the grass by the side of the road.

"Really, a week ago, I never would've thought I would _ever_ have to do this…" I assumed he was referring to carrying Mike Newton. Edward set him down on the grass, and thought, before turning him over onto his stomach.

"Holy god! Ahh…" the source of the blood was the back of his ankle, and the smell was overpowering.

"What, Alice? Could you stop making loud noises, please?"

"Yes, Edward, can you not understand? Are you standing somewhere different than I am, are you human? Don't you smell it?"

"I can keep my cool though, hold your breath if you need to—I don't need you to talk, I just need you to listen…I want to make sure he's okay. If he's seriously injured when he returns home, we'll never hear the end of it!" I nodded, not breathing, but then thought of something I had to say.

"Thank god you went to medical school, right? I knew you'd have to use it sometime!"

"Yeah, but that was in the sixties…"

"Eh, basic procedure's still the same…"

"CPR actually wasn't invented until later…"

"But you don't need to do CPR!"

"I know" and then he lifted Mike's sleeve, only to find another wound at his shoulder. I was about the say something, but I clamped my hand over my mouth, realizing I had promised Edward—no more "surprised noises".

"I need a tourniquet…" Edward muttered…wow, Mike was really bleeding profusely…I was still holding my breath.

"Edward…I don't know what that is…I never went to medical school…"

"Well you should at least know what a tourniquet is…"

"I don't…care to enlighten me?"

"Yeah…it's something you can tie, really tightly, above a bleeding wound, to stop the blood flow, and prevent the victim from bleeding to death…"

"He's gonna bleed to death?!"

"Not if I can get a tourniquet…"

"Okay, so like fabric, or a belt, or something…Emmett's wearing the cheapest shirt, so I'll ask him for it…you know, instead of your oxford…"

"Good, fine, whatever…"

"Emmett! Give us your shirt!" Emmett immediately took his shirt off and threw it to us. Edward caught it and ripped it in two, tying one piece tightly above Mike's ankle, and the other around his shoulder.

"I love being shirtless in public! It boosts my self esteem…I have a six pack!"

"That's nice, Em…did you not know you have six pack?"

"I did, but…."

"Stop talking, Emmett, I need to concentrate…" Edward called across the lane. I picked up my sidekick and dialed "911". The dispatcher sounded like a young women, sort of nervous.

"What's your emergency?"

"We were in an awful car crash, and one of the people that was in one of the cars is seriously injured…"

"Is he conscious?" I looked at Edward, and he nodded.

"Yep."

"What are his injuries?"

"He's bleeding from the ankle and shoulder—a lot."

"What is your location?"

"Um…" I motioned for Emmett to get the GPS out of the car. He waltzed over to the Porsche and pulled the top halfway off to reach inside and pull out the oddly undamaged little item.

"We're near Columbus, Ohio…on the highway, near a big rock on the side of the road?"

"Okay…we'll find you. The paramedics will be there shortly. I'll stay on the line with you until then."

"Good…" I set the phone down on the ground. Edward was waving his hands in front of Mike's face to make sure he could tell how many fingers he was holding up. Emmett was smiling, looking at himself in the only undamaged window of the Volvo. He is so easily amused…

"Okay…I guess we just wait…" and we did wait, until the two ambulances arrived around five minutes later. The paramedics loaded Mike into the back of one of the ambulances, strapping him to a gurney and injecting pain medication into his system. While three of the four paramedics worked on Mike, the remaining one talked to me and Edward.

"So you were in this crash?" The man asked. He was probably around thirty, with freckles and auburn hair close to Edward and Nessie's color.

"Yes, we were…" Edward replied

"Are you sure?"

"Of course we're sure!" I gasped.

"Okay, I just find it odd that you aren't hurt…but just in case, I want you two to come to the hospital. And that guy over there, he was in the crash too?" he gestured to Emmett.

"Yeah"

"By the way, there are three people still stuck in that silver car there…" I pointed to the Volvo. The paramedic's eyes bugged out.

"Why didn't you mention that before!?" he pulled out a walkie talkie, "We're going to need backup." Edward and I exchanged a glance. Five minutes later or so, two more ambulances arrived, and a frightening looking machine—I'd seen it on TV—the Jaws of Life. Edward, Emmett, and I watched in disbelief as our help severed the top off the car, and pulled everyone out.

"I'm fine! Stop touching me!" Rose yelled at one of the younger paramedics.

"We don't need to go to the hospital, do we?" Jasper asked once the three of them had been released from the car.

"Of course you do! With this kind of crash, you could have internal bleeding or any number of injuries…"

"Great…" Bella sighed.

"It's lucky that you can all walk right now, look at you poor friend…" one of the emergency technicians told us, a "meaningful" look on her face. Ultimately, after a lot of bickering and pleading, Edward, Bella, Jasper, and I had to ride on gurneys in the back of the cars, while Emmett and Rose got to ride up front in the passenger seats. We made it to the hospital in a short time. I wondered if Emmett still thought it was a good idea to go on The Jerry Springer Show…


	9. Hospital plus Cullens equals Chaos

"What are we going to do when we get to the hospital?" Jasper, who was on the gurney beside me, asked.

"I don't know…but whatever happens, remember, you aren't weaker than the rest of us." He forced a smile and nodded. I sat, simply because I was sick of lying down and he did the same. With each bump in the road, we bounced up and down. One of the paramedics came back to check on us.

"Excuse me…I was wondering when this hospital was built, and is it the only big one in the city?" I asked politely. The woman looked at me quizzically, but answered.

"It was built in the late 1800's, and renovated of course…it's the only major one in Columbus, other than the children's hospital." Hmm…that would mean that at this same hospital, years ago, Carlisle and Esme met, when she broke her leg. The thought was eerie and comforting at the same time. When we arrived, minutes later, the paramedics instructed us to lie back down, and wheeled us in the emergency entrance. Behind us, Edward, Bella, and Mike were being wheeled in. Emmett and Rose, of course, walked in leisurely next to us, flashing huge smiles, taunting, just because they weren't on gurneys…

"Bella's not happy, I can feel it…" Jasper shuddered, and started to look significantly unhappy himself.

"Sorry Jazz…I can't help it…" Bella called

"It's okay…" We were brought into a waiting room, while Mike was given top priority. It was ironic that they made us use the gurneys, but then had us sit in the hard, uncomfortable chairs.

"Where's he going?" I pointed to Mike.

"We aren't sure…surgery…I don't know yet…" an older doctor responded. I sighed…nothing is ever easy…poor Jasper…he looked so uncomfortable.

"Jazz…you're doing so great…" I hugged him, tightly, partly for his sake, mostly for mine, to comfort myself in this odd situation and place. He smiled, and squeezed my hand until I was called by a young male doctor. I was the first one. _Excellent…_

"Hello, I'm Dr. Moore…" he held out his hand for me to shake it, and I did…at least he seemed normal enough. The last thing I wanted was a total wacko…

"So what do I have to do?"

"Just an X-ray, a quick physical examination, some blood work…" oh god…was there no way out?

"Um some of that may be a problem…actually…you know…"

"Why?" he asked, leading me into an X-ray room in the radiology wing. There was no time to do anything, but I knew I wouldn't be showing up in an X-ray. We couldn't. The waves weren't powerful enough.

"Um…because…"

"Not to worry—there's nothing to be afraid of!" he shut the door and instructed me to stand in front of a light gray board attached to the wall.

"Now, is there any chance you may be pregnant?" that could my escape!

"Yes! I am…but shh…don't tell my family, they don't know yet…"

"Oh…then I'm afraid we cannot complete the X-ray…um…but we can cover bone health in the physical exam. Follow me please…uh…" he was looking for a name, clearly.

"Alice."

"Okay, Alice, right this way…" we walked down a series of long halls and I thought of how badly I wanted to see my family and how they were getting farther and farther away as we walked. Finally, the doctor turned into an exam room, and told me to sit down on the examination table. The white paper that covered the cushion crinkled when I sat.

"So, first, do you feel any pain, anywhere…?"

"Nope. None whatsoever!"

"Okay…" he hit my knee with a little rubber instrument, testing my reflexes. I was okay there, I guess. He then put a bright light near my eye. He looked in my throat as well. So far, all was well.

"You seem okay…but your skin is awfully cold…"

"I've always had cold skin…"

"Huh…okay, well, let me listen to your heart beat…" he took out a stethoscope, and sure enough, he noticed the frightened look on my face.

"Um…doctor, that could be a problem…" but he had already pressed the round, black and silver end to my chest.

"Breathe in deep" after a few deep breaths, he attempted to listen to my heart.

"Everything okay?" I questioned nervously.

"Yeah, except I can't seem to find a heartbeat…"

"_Really_? Well, that's odd." I attempted to confuse him by making "buh bum, buh bum" sounds with my mouth, almost silently.

"Could you stop making noise, I'm trying to listen…"

"Yeah, sure…"

"It must be broken…" he said, putting the stethoscope on the counter, and I hopped down from the examination bed.

"Am I done here?"

"Here, almost…but I need a urine sample, and then you should get some blood work done, to make sure you aren't bleeding internally….and since you're pregnant, I should probably send you up to an obstetrician…"

"Ahh…okay…can I talk to my family about something first?"

"Sure…meet me back here in ten minutes, and bring the sample." And then he handed me a plastic cup with a cap. Eww. I ran out to the waiting room, where my family sat.

"We have to do something!" I lowered my voice to a whisper.

"Why, what happened?" Edward sounded extremely anxious.

"They tried to do an X-ray, they want a urine sample, and they want to do blood work! And…to get out of the X-ray, I told them I was pregnant…so they're sending me up to an obstetrician! Bella, Rose, take your pick…" they sat and considered—X-ray, or no X-ray…

"I have to go find a urine sample to give them! Where's Mike?"

"You can't just get Mike to pee in a cup for you…not just because it would be really creepy…it would tell them that you were male, and not pregnant… if you did that." Edward explained.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Okay...fine…in the next ten minutes, I have to get a pregnant woman to pee in a cup and give it to me…any one else need some for later? I really cannot even believe I'm having this conversation…"

"We can deal with it; just do what you need to do…" Bella assured.

"Okay. Wish me luck; I'll be back in a few!" and with that I ran off. A passing nurse told me that the maternity ward and obstetricians are on the fourth floor. It seemed like a lifetime before the elevator doors opened slowly, after I pressed the "up" button. Nobody was in the elevator, so I let out some anxiety by whining and groaning briefly before the doors opened again. I ran down the hall, and several people in scrubs asked if I needed help. I said no to all of them, and looked discreetly in the windows of certain rooms. When I got really desperate, I started knocking on exam room doors. I got no answer on the first four, but on the fifth, a woman's high voice told me to come in, probably assuming I was the doctor. When I did actually enter the room, she looked extremely confused.

"Who are you?" I shut the door and locked it behind me.

"Okay…this is going to sound so weird…" I began, ignoring her question, "but I need a urine sample from you. I know I don't look official, but please, please help me." She looked me over for a moment. I smiled hopefully, and she bit her lip, in the midst of the decision.

"I guess…it couldn't hurt." She agreed cautiously.

"Thank you, so much! Oh, I can't even tell you what this means to me!" and she left to use the bathroom. It seemed longer than it was, but she took a while. When she did return, I thanked her again, briefly, and took off down the hallway, back towards the elevators. I was afraid somebody might stop me, and be suspicious, or maybe say, "what are you doing with that?!" but nobody did, to my immense relief. I rode the elevator back down to the ground floor and rushed to the waiting room.

"I did it!" I yelled a little too loudly. Many other patients stared at me. Just as ten minutes came, I ran into the doctor's office and thrust the cup into his hand.

"Here!" he didn't look up from the forms he was filling out, but muttered quiet thanks. Then, I mistakenly thought I was done. But I wasn't even close. I forgot about the blood test.

"Alright, I'm going to have to do some blood work now…take a seat." It was completely obvious that vision-me was terrified. I could fake the urine sample, but this I couldn't. This was something I had to really _do_. As I practiced deep breathing to calm myself, the doctor wrapped a rubber cord tight around the top of my arm. He sterilized the underside of my elbow, where a noticeably blue vein should have been. When he took the needle out, I had to do _something_.

"I can't! Stop! Doctor, I'm absolutely phobic of needles, really. See how pale I am? I feel faint. I can't do it! Please don't?" I tried to sound pitiful, but he explained that it was necessary, and that it would only be a slight pinch. There was no convincing him. Before I had time to run, he stuck me with the small needle. It, of course, didn't enter my skin. When he pressed harder, the needle broke in two. I giggled nervously. The doctor produced another lancet from his lab coat. He attached a tube to the end of it, and stuck my arm again.

"You have hard skin…" he eyed me suspiciously.

"Yeah, I know I do…can I go?" he looked at me, and seemed to decide I wasn't worth the trouble.

"Fine. I'll send you upstairs now." Darn. Well, at least there wouldn't be any more needles to be broken…I got off the table and went into the hallway. The doctor followed and led me back to the waiting room. As we walked, I looked into windows of rooms for any sign of Mike. But he was nowhere to be seen. When we arrived back in the waiting area, Edward and Jasper were quietly arguing about who got to use Mike's urine sample for the examination. This was just…beyond words. The doctor wrote directions on a blue post it note and gave it to me. I walked the same route I had before, leaving my family. Hopefully they did alright…

"Are you Dr. Lewis?" I asked the women standing in the room Dr. Moore had sent me too.

"Yes…you're Alice?"

"Yes…Alice Cullen." She looked me over briefly, and I looked at her. She was pretty, in a human sort of way, with thick rimed glasses and long blonde hair. She was quite small, only an inch or two taller than me, and her lab coat hung down past her knees.

"Okay…when did you find out you were expecting?" she waited for an answer, her pencil poised to write down whatever I said on the form on her clip board.

"Um…about two weeks ago?" it sounded like a question, but Dr. Lewis didn't notice.

"That's too early to do an ultrasound…" good…

"Well, I received your urine sample…and from that…it seems you're already four months pregnant!"

"Hmm…well, that's a surprise…" I sighed, only half listening.

"Your due date should be around March 25th…"

"Oh…well, good…can I go?" I wasn't being very polite…but at that point, really, what could I do. There was no time to be courteous. I needed out.

"Yes, I guess so…" she smiled and dismissed me. But just as I left the room, the vision showed me another scene—back in the waiting room.

***

"Hmm…Emmett Cullen?" Dr. Moore yelled from the hallway. Emmett took a deep breath and gave us one last nervous glance as he reluctantly stalked off, following the doctor.

"Okay…Mr. Cullen, you'll need an X-Ray, and can I ask you a few questions?"

"Sure…" Emmett stopped in place.

"Can we continue to radiology--I'm on a tight schedule."

"Sorry, no can do…I find it hard to walk and talk at the same time…" the doctor didn't buy it, because Emmett really is a terrible liar.

"Let's keep going. Okay…birthdates?"

"April 6th, 1935…" the doctor looked aggravated, "just kidding…1989…"

"Have you had any major injuries or surgeries?"

"Well…years ago, I was mauled by a bear, but that issue kind of worked itself out—no hospitalization required."

"Okay, this will be quick…" Emmett walked as slowly as possible into the X-ray room. He tapped his foot and hummed, stalling until the doctor told him to stand up against the grey board. And then, it was obvious—Emmett had an idea. Not just an idea, but clearly what he thought was a light bulb above the head worthy idea.

"Doctor…I can't…"

"Emmett, why?"

"Because…"

"Because why?"

"Because I think I may be pregnant!" Dr. Moore looked incredibly not amused, and rolled his eyes before walking over to the other side of the room to take the X-ray.

"Ready?"

"No! You can't! Couldn't it hurt my baby?!"

"Emmett, this may come as a surprise to you, but men cannot get pregnant! You have to stand still." Now the doctor was clearly very annoyed, but Emmett wouldn't stop. Not that I think he should have…we had to protect our secret, any way possible.

"I swear, I'm a woman, I swear on my life! Honestly!" Dr. Moore seemed nice, but now, his mean streak was showing.

"Stop it! Let me take this X-Ray!"

"You are hurting my feelings—do I look that masculine that you can't believe I'm a woman?!" he put his head in his hands and began to make "sad sounds".

"Oh, please…" just then, Rose walked in the room.

"What's going on in here?" her voice was shaking—it was hard to know what exactly had gone on, unless one had seen it all.

"Rose, please, tell the doctor that I'm a woman—tell him!"

"Emmett--"

"Please, Rose, you know it's true, it's okay…" the doctor waited for her response.

"It's true—Emmett is a woman, definitely—Emmett is actually short for Emmettisha…she is really masculine…is there anything wrong with that?" Rose spoke slowly, not sure why she was saying Emmett was female, but still playing along.

"Yeah! Is there? I've always felt so out of place!"

"Okay…" the doctor looked between Rose and Emmett, "and why, exactly, is this any of _your _business?"

"I'm Emmett's sister!"

"She's my wife, legally!" they hollered in unison…we really have to work on agreeing on what to say to a human third party before we say it…

"She's lying. Rose, do not be ashamed…" Emmett seemed like he was about to start laughing, while Rose was clearly fuming. It was too quiet, for too long, as the doctor stared at Emmett, and then Rose.

"I don't even know why I'm going along with this—your name is 'Emmett', and you aren't wearing a shirt, I know for a fact that you are not a woman! And I don't care if she's your sister, or your wife, or whatever! This lie has gone far enough! I'm taking the X-Ray. Miss, you can leave, or be exposed to potentially harmful waves—decide. But Emmett wasn't done putting up a fight. He ran around the room, until the doctor locked all the doors with a small bronze key. There was no getting out without displaying his strength. Emmett crossed his arms like a little kid being sent to his room, and walked over to the X-ray board. After the huge struggle, the doctor took the picture, and then another.

"I'll just go develop these…" good luck with that…

"Bye." Emmett uttered quietly. The doctor unlocked the doors, and both Emmett and Rose filed out. Once the doctor was gone, Rose took the opportunity to talk with Emmett.

"Don't do anything weird—I mean it. Save it for Jerry Springer!" she whisper-yelled, and stormed off. Poor Emmett was alone with the doctor again.

"Come with me." Dr. Moore ordered shortly. Emmett seemed to not want to test his patience any more, so he went down the hallway, the same way I had gone, and into the exam room. Emmett made it through the checkup, and of course, the doctor couldn't find a heart beat, but assumed it was because of his faulty stethoscope. When it came time for the urine sample, he sent Emmett out of the room with the cup, with strict instructions to return in ten minutes. I don't know who I felt worse for—the doctor, or Emmett. But Emmett knew what he had to do, and he knew he had to do it fast. Right away, he ran off, tearing down the hallway and close to inhuman speed. His destination was the nurse's station. When he made it there, the woman sitting at the computer took her time seeing what he needed. Already she seemed surly.

"What would you like?"

"I need to know where a patient is…"

"Are you family…?" Emmett answered quickly.

"Yeah, it's my brother…"

"Okay. What's the name?"

"Mike Newton."

"He's waiting to go into surgery at three." She stated emotionlessly.

"Where is he?"

"Second floor, station 1B." again, she was extremely stoic. Without another word, not wasting any time, Emmett ran to the elevators, through the waiting room. He only stopped for a second to whisper to Edward and Jasper before moving on.

"I get Mike Newton's pee. Bye!" but Edward and Jasper wouldn't have that. They both shot up out of their seats and chased after Emmett. Everyone else in the room looked at them in disbelief, even without having heard what Emmett said. Bella, Rose, and I, having just gotten back from my appointment with the obstetrician, shook our heads in unison, in disapproval.

"You didn't even say you wanted it!" Edward hissed at Emmett as they ran, almost to the elevator. My vision followed the three of them, in their odd race to Mike.

"Well, now I do! I don't want to get a stranger to pee in this! And if you take it, I won't have anything to show the doctor, not even an empty cup!" Edward pressed the elevator button to go up, and the doors opened quickly, unlike before when I had to go upstairs. Emmett pressed the button inside.

"Jasper's at a disadvantage—I know where Mike is, since Emmett was thinking about it…but you don't." Edward noticed, smiling.

"Well I can still follow you!" Jasper shouted in response.

"We'll see…" there was a calm second, and then the doors opened, and it was over as quickly as it had begun. The three scrambled to run out the doors. They sprinted, narrowly avoiding nurses, and patients in wheelchairs. Somewhere along the way, Jasper stopped running, and ran the opposite direction—trouble. There were several operating rooms on this floor. Emmett and Edward didn't even notice. They were too focused on the task at hand, not on making sure Jasper didn't lose control, like they should have been in a hospital. Finally, they made it to the pre-op room where Mike waited in a hospital bed. Edward and Emmett both tried to talk, but Edward got the words out first.

"Mike, a bunch of stuff happened down stairs, and…to make a long story that I can't really tell short, I need you to pee in a cup for me." Edward waited for Mike's answer.

"Why?" he asked hoarsely.

"Just help, please?"

"But I need it more!" Emmett whined, holding the cup out. Like any normal person, Mike was positively disgusted. Both Edward and Emmett knew only one of them could get Mike's…you know.

"Please…"

"Why should I give it to either of you?"

"Please Mike…little buddy…" Emmett pleaded.

"Okay, Emmett…" Mike got up and took the container into the nearby restroom. Emmett did a little victory dance. Edward growled at him and pinched the bridge of his nose—Edward stress alert! When Mike came out of the bathroom, uncomfortably concealing the cup under his shirt, Emmett thanked him multiple times. While he ran back to the elevators with the cup in hand, Edward walked quickly, but dejectedly behind him. He was clearly very angry with Emmett. They returned to the elevators, and then the waiting room without saying a word. Emmett knew Edward was mad, and didn't care to provoke him. Edward sat down in the chair next to Bella, and Emmett excitedly showed us the cup. He was met by a chorus of "Ew's" and "Yuck's". Only seven minutes had gone by. As one would expect in this case, I was the first to notice something was missing.

"Where's Jasper?" Emmett set the cup down on the floor, and Edward closed his eyes and shook his head.

"I have no idea."

"I didn't see him with us when we were with Mike…" Emmett volunteered.

"We have to find him—he could be anywhere—we're in a hospital!" I screamed. While I was pacing around the room Bella was freaking out, and Edward was just trying to figure out any plan. Emmett left again when it was time to meet the doctor.

"Well, we haven't heard screams yet…" Rose attempted to calm us down, but without Jasper here, that was impossible.

"We should look for him—we should've left a long time ago—they won't come looking for us, and we've got bigger problems…" I spoke extremely fast, faster than usual, but I think they all understood.

"Okay…let's go get Emmett though…we could need him, since he's stronger than Jazz, just incase he totally lost control…" Rose suggested. Not wanting to waste time, I led the way to the exam room, since I had already been down the terrible hallway. When we arrived, the doctor was just about to do the blood test, against Emmett's protests. Without knocking, I barged into the room.

"Doctor, Emmett can't stay—there's been a family crisis…please. I can't talk about it…" if all went well, we could solve this before it turned to a crisis, but we had to get Emmett first. I was beginning to like Dr. Moore less and less. He didn't look sympathetic, but angry at the interruption. Nonetheless, he let Emmett go, just in time before he stuck him with the needle.

"Okay, so how do we go about finding him?" Edward asked.

"There are five of us…" I muttered.

"Yes…"

"Let's all look on the second floor, since he's probably there…" I suggested, and nobody argued, so off we went. For the first time, we realized that there was another set of elevators right next to the exam rooms—that could've saved us a lot of time, but it didn't matter. We impatiently waited for one to come, and practically leaped inside. The ride up felt long, but Emmett hummed so we would have elevator music, and that made it a little quicker. When the doors opened, we rushed out and ran. Emmett, Rose and I went in the opposite direction of Edward and Bella, but ultimately, the floor was a huge circle, and we ended up where we started.

"I didn't see him at all…"

"But we were just in the hallway, we have to look inside the rooms…we have to find him!" I exclaimed, losing it entirely.

"I know…let's go back to where Mike is…maybe he's with him…the surgery isn't starting quite yet." Edward said, looking at his silver Rolex.

"Where's Mike?" Bella asked, puzzled.

"He's in station…1B, I think, pre-op. We were there before when I got him to pee in a cup." Emmett explained to her. Edward walked in front, and we all followed him until we reached the correct area. A huge sign had "1B" on it, and the word "registration" in English and what I can assume was Spanish. Without talking to anybody official, as the others in the waiting area were doing, we rushed into the pre-op area, where we saw Mike be wheeled away to surgery.

"Mike! Did you see Jasper?"

"Yeah…he ran past here…like, maybe a minute ago?"

"Thanks, good luck, bye!" I yelled behind me. This was a hot pursuit now. We ran and ran down the "staff only" hallway, until we saw Jasper at the end, just in time—the doors to the operating room opened, and instinct took over. It was visible in his eyes. He just didn't look himself. We couldn't afford to walk at a human speed, so all at once, as a group we jumped, leaping almost thirty feet directly in front of Jasper before he made a move. Emmett grabbed him from behind, and he barely struggled. Clearly, he didn't _really_ want this. As we moved away from the smell, he became more aware. Guilt was coming off of him in waves. By the time he was back to normal entirely, we had made it to the cafeteria.

"Let's go now…" Edward sounded worn out.

"It's okay, Jasper, you know that right?" Bella offered, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah…I just wish…I could control myself as well as any of you."

"It's going to be great Jasper!" Emmett promised, grabbing him and giving him a tight bear hug. Jasper seemed very much like he wanted to be put down.

"I love you so so so so much, and we're going on the Jerry Springer Show! Not that it's a comforting thought, but still, you did fine!" I quipped, finally getting him to smile. We were in the hospital lobby when we realized we had forgotten something—Mike!

"I had to ride with him…so did Emmett. So how about the rest of you go wait for him…" I recommended, but they wouldn't have it. Bella grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me in to the elevator with them. This time, Emmett did not hum.

***

We had been sitting in the waiting room for around an hour when a middle aged nurse in scrubs with teddy bears on them came out to tell us Mike was out of surgery. She told us that two of us could come into the recovery room, and we decided Rose and Bella, much to their dismay. When they entered the recovery room, the same nurse showed them to a curtained off area where Mike lay in a bed, with an oxygen mask, and an IV in his arm. He was groggy, but awake now.

"Mike…are you awake?"

"Bella? How did everything go?"

"Fine, I guess…" Mike fell asleep for another minute, but then woke again. The nurse whispered to Bella.

"Sometimes patients get sick to their stomachs coming out of anesthesia…" I expected Mike to puke all over Bella, due to his weak stomach, but he didn't.

"Kay', Mike, we have to leave soon…"

"The surgery wasn't too serious," the nurse told us quietly, "but you should probably wait here about an hour. That hour went by very slow, I must say. Bella and Rose sat by Mike's side as he became more alert, and to pass the time, they played Cat's Cradle with a string Bella happened to have. When the nurse announced they could leave, they couldn't seem to get out fast enough. Bella hurried Mike out of bed, and he dressed in the bathroom. Rose practically pushed him out of the room, but it was hard with the crutches he had.

"Mikey Mike Newton!" Emmett yelled excitedly. Mike was still a bit groggy, and didn't pay any attention. But at least finally, we would leave…but then there was the issue that we didn't have cars…nobody seemed to think off that.

"There better not be any more delays…" Rose grumbled as if we could control it. We walked through the maze of hallways together, with poor Mike going as fast as he could on the crutches. When we got to the first floor, we could practically taste the fresh air outside, and we went even faster. Mike almost fell over trying to keep up. When the automatic doors opened for us, we stepped out, and felt free once again. This, I guess, was the point where it was realized that we had no way of getting to Chicago.

"We don't have cars." Bella stated.

"No…we don't" Edward and Bella exchanged a glance, and Edward took one of the wheel chairs from the group of them sitting by the doors, most likely for patient use.

"Mike, sit down." Bella commanded as Edward motioned for him to sit. Mike did as he was told, and I held the crutches.

"Let's go!" Emmett griped impatiently. Edward began to push Mike's wheelchair. When we got around half a mile away from the hospital, Mike asked where we were going.

"Chicago!" I answered perkily.

"How are we going to get there?" nobody answered Mike. He leaned back in the seat and sighed deeply. Eventually, when we were back on the high way, forests started to appear. Slowly, we disappeared into the woods by the side of the now busy road. No drivers stopped to see what we were doing, but Mike was very confused.

"Mike Newton--"

"Emmett! Stop calling me by my full name…you sound like my mom when she's angry with me…" he started to blush.

"Fine…Mike…hold on tight to your wheelchair…" the color drained from Mike's cheeks, and he was getting close to as pale as us. Gripping the sides of the chair as hard as he could, Mike closed his eyes and expected the worst, but hoped for the best. Edward accelerated to almost 100 Miles per hour, and we followed his lead.

"We'll be in Chicago in about three hours…" Please don't throw up again, Mike…

***

We actually arrived in Chicago ahead of schedule. When we stopped, in the wheelchair, in front of the Four Seasons, the valet gave us an odd look. Hopefully, our luggage, which Edward had sent, arrived already. When we entered the lobby, everyone stared. Mike's clothes were still blood stained. Jasper looked extremely uptight and uncomfortable.

"Hello…we're here to check in—the reservation is under 'Cullen'…" Edward told the woman at the front check in desk.

"Yes—right here." She handed Edward a key, and looked at Mike, puzzled. A bell boy followed us upstairs, and Emmett struck up a conversation about Jerry Springer with him, so Edward tipped _very_ well once we arrived upstairs, where our luggage was waiting. I sat on the down comforter of one of the double beds in the first bedroom, and the vision faded out once again…

If that was the car ride, I couldn't imagine what the show would be like…


	10. The Jerry Springer Show

The morning of the filming was really just a blur. All of us running around, rethinking our outfits, Jasper preparing for being around so many humans. We were all over the place. As we got inside the limo sent to take us to the studio and slammed the doors, Emmett took a deep breath and then let it out, which I took as a sign that he was about to say something stupid that even _he _knew was questionable.

"Okay, so…little buddy?" Mike didn't answer, and looked ahead out the front window. Emmett proceeded to say his name another five or six times, and "little buddy" stayed silent each time.

"Emmett! My name is _not_ little buddy! I told you I don't like you calling me that! It's Mike Charles Newton!" he thundered, and we all stared in awe. Mikey had quite a bit of fire in him!

"Okay, Mike Charles Newton…" Emmett sighed.

"It's just Mike!"

"But you just said…" Emmett trailed off, not wanting to provoke the already injured human anymore. It was silent then, and Mike seemed uncomfortable.

"So MIKE…" Emmett started, emphasizing his use of only our guest's first name, "I like nicknames…can I give you another one?" Mike looked extremely cautious, and his heart speeded up. Jasper shifted tensely, clenching his fists slightly.

"Well…I guess so. But I have to okay it, alright?" Mike spoke as if talking to a five year old. And as much as I hate to say it, it _is_ sometimes necessary to do that when speaking with Emmett.

"Okay…how about…Robin. _I _get to be Batman!"

"No, why don't I get to be batman!?" Mike yelled.

"I _really_ wish I wasn't in this car right now…" Edward muttered from the front seat, to which Emmett responded, "Okay, uh, Edward—not in this conversation. Unless you want to be 'The Penguin!"

"That is_ not_ a real Batman character." Edward scoffed.

"Oh, um, yes, it is! It is it is it is! Look it up Edward!" Edward shook his head, "Rose, tell him it's real!"

"Emmett, why would I know anything about Batman, at all?" Emmett stared at her blankly and then diverted his attention to Mike Newton, who was staring dejectedly out the window.

"Mike, how about…your nickname is Ron, and I'm Harry Potter!" Emmett roared happily in a terrible British accent. Mike looked disgusted.

"Absolutely not."

"Emmett, have you even read Harry Potter?" Edward asked

"Why, have you?"

"No, but you haven't either."

"How do you know?" Emmett challenged.

"Judging by your behavior, one might guess you were barely literate, so…" Edward smirked.

"I have one more, Mike!"

"It better not be a "pair"…we aren't a team!" Emmett looked disheartened.

"Oh…"

"Wait, I've got one!" Jasper surprised us all by breathing. Edward chuckled, presumably at what Jasper was thinking, "Laverne and Shirley!"

"No!" Mike screamed.

"No!" Emmett screamed even louder.

"Sorry, Em…you're stuck with it now…I mean sorry, Shirley." Bella laughed. Mike and Emmett crossed their arms in unison, pouting, but Mike then uncrossed his because he didn't want to be doing anything in unison with any of us.

"Alll-right then…Jasper, or should I say, Squiggy…" Emmett smiled, pleased with his "cleverness".

"Oh, no…_I _am not part of this little nickname thing here."

"You are now, Squiggy."

"Fine, _Shirley_."

"Emmett…this is a bit ridiculous." Edward added

"No, _Lenny_, it really isn't"

"Since when am I Lenny?"

"Since you decided to get involved in the conversation, oh and Rose, your new nickname is 'the Big Ragu'"

"Why?"

"He was Shirley's love interest."

"How do you know so much about that show, Emmett?" I asked

"It was cool for a while, Alice…you would get a name, but there are no other good characters…" Ahh. Relief. "So we'll just call you Joanie…you know _Laverne and Shirley_ was a spin off of _Happy Days_?" Bella was clearly very glad she didn't have a nickname. Mike moaned very quietly, the side of his face still pressed against the window. Of course Mike chose right then to drop a little bit of a bomb on him.

"Oh, and by the way, Laverne…before you came here, we told one of the people from the show that was interviewing us that…"

"That what?" Mike asked, anxious.

"That you're an illegal immigrant from Switzerland, and that you're the head of the entire Swiss mafia."

"I didn't even know they had a mafia?!" Mike was still shocked, not angry yet.

"They don't" Bella chimed.

"I can't believe you guys! Why would you do that?!"

"Well, believe it or not Mike, you make a very good scapegoat…sorry, Laverne. We had to get on the show."

"No, Emmett—you had to get on the show. Not 'we'" Bella hissed.

"Why did you even ask me here?"

"Well, Laver—" Emmett stopped when he saw Mikes unusually angry expression, "Mike, we find you very funny, and a little strange."

"Well, you know what, Shirley?! I find you all pretty strange too!" it was quiet for a minute only before Emmett spoke again. Thank god the driver wasn't in the back of the car with us…

"Okay, yeah…we are vampires, Michael Charles Newton! Yep! So there. It. Is. Thank you for playing!" Mike was absolutely in awe.

"So you're all…" Mike wondered breathlessly.

"Yes…can we assume you're human?"

"Yeah, Emmett, I'm human! How could you guys not tell me all of this?"

"It's a big secret—you can never tell _anybody_, no matter what." Bella explained.

"Okay…do you sleep in coffins?"

"We don't sleep at all, actually…" Bella reasoned with him calmly.

"We live forever! Isn't that just mindboggling!" I shouted, fighting to get a word in. This was exciting!

"Do you…you know…" Mike, scared to suggest the obvious, made a biting motion.

"Yes…"

"Let's not talk about this anymore…" Mike moaned.

"Not humans though, Mike do not be afraid of us!" Emmett whined. Everyone else just seemed glad the whole "Laverne and Shirley" thing was done, hopefully, at least. Surprisingly enough, given the nature of our ride, I was actually happy when we pulled up to the studio. The driver got out of the car, and walked over to open our doors for us. The building seemed bigger than it was once we got inside through the entrance we had been directed to. Backstage was bustling. Everyone was going absolutely crazy, preparing for our show. I gulped audibly before going on stage. The signal to go on blinked once. Twice. Three times. And then I walked out, first, followed by everyone else with me. Seven chairs were set out. Hard, uncomfortable looking chairs. The chanting from the audience ceased, and the rowdy crowd clapped as Jerry Springer himself strolled onto the stage from the other side.

"Welcome to the Jerry Springer Show!" more applause. We remained quiet. Mike went absolutely white.

"Now today, our guests are all adopted, but they're going out with their brothers and sisters! And they claim to be vampires! Meet the Cullens." I waved sheepishly, feeling betrayed by Jerry, even though I didn't really know him.

"Have a seat, please, all of you." He was a little jovial in this situation for my taste. "So, could you all introduce yourselves?"

"I'm Emmett! I called the show!"

"I'm Edward. I'm normal; Bella is not my sister—"

"We'll get to that later." Jerry interrupted, suddenly not so jovial.

"I'm Bella, and I too am normal, and don't want to be here."

"I'm Jasper." He then held his breath again.

"My name's Alice!"

"Rosalie—but like Edward and Bella said, this show is for freaks, which I am not."

"Oh, yes you are." Jerry responded. Rose, understandably, looked offended. "So, if I'm correct, Rose is with Emmett, who's Edward's brother, who's with Bella, who's Emmett's sister, and Jasper is Rose's twin, and he's also Emmett's brother, and Alice is with Jasper. And, Edward and Bella, you have a little girl?" the audience "Awed" collectively.

"Yes, but—"

"So there appears to be incest going on…" Jerry interrupted, and the crowd laughed.

"No! No! Ew! No way!" Bella screamed.

"Wow, Bella…that was a strong response…why are you so defensive. Can you offer some explanation?"

"Yes, Jerry—my explanation is that there's nothing weird going on, and I'd like to make sure nobody gets the wrong idea. We are all adopted, and we were also all adopted very late in life."

"Okay, then…what about the whole vampire thing…are you?"

"Yes." Jasper responded, very serious. The entire audience erupted in laughter.

"No really, it's true."

"Seriously. We're vegetarian."

"Pardon me?" Jerry looked confused.

"It means that we don't…feed on humans." Bella said all in one quick breath.

"Oh…huh…and aren't you friends with a werewolf?"

"Several" Bella replied.

"Okay…right." Jerry actually looked a little frightened. "What d'ya say we bring out the guests?"

We exchanged a reluctant glance, but nodded. J. Jenks walked through the curtains. I was, needless to say, quite relieved he was the first guest.

"Hello…" Jenks practically whispered. The crowd didn't respond. The real action only started when Jenks_ left_, because that was when Leah entered, stage right. Rose and she both growled upon seeing each other.

"I sense some tension." Jerry noted. _Obviously, my dear Mr. Springer…_

"Yes." Rose spat.

"Why is that?"

"Because they killed the person one of my best friends loved more than anything!" Leah shouted, boring a hole in the side of Rose's head with her stare.

"What!" Jerry looked very nervous for a moment, like he was finally dealing with a situation so crazy even he didn't want to be a part of it.

"_I _didn't kill her. None of us did! She wanted it!" Jerry remained confused.

"She wanted to die?" he asked, perplexed.

"No! We did not kill her! She's fine!" Rose hollered, outraged again, as she pinched Bella's arm, possibly demonstrating her tangibility?

"I am fine…Leah, this is not a good time for this whole thing."

"Um, Bella, we're on Jerry Springer!" Bella recoiled under the harshness of Leah's glare.

"And besides, Jacob loves Renesmee now!" I added.

"Wait. Isn't Renesmee a young child?" Jerry questioned, hoping for some drama.

"Yes…"

"How old is Jacob?"

"It doesn't matter…it isn't in that way." Bella told him.

"I get the feeling it is…" she cried out in exasperation and stomped her foot as Rose and Leah continued with their verbal brawl of sorts.

"I can't believe I even said I'd go on a TV show with you…leeches!" Rose's Jaw dropped, and flung herself towards Leah, but security pushed them apart. From behind Leah, perfectly punctual, Aro, Caius, Marcus, Jane, and Alec ambled onto the stage. Everyone one stage other than Jerry, Emmett and Leah put their head in their hands at that point. Jerry was just confused; Leah was still oblivious to their presence, and Emmett? Well…he was just having a grand old time.

"Hello, Cullens…" Aro greeted us, eerily calm as ever. Nobody even bothered to respond.

"Leah turned around, surprised by the voice, and backed as far away from the Volturi as possible, discreetly sulking off stage. Aro made a move to touch Edward's hand, to see everything—anything he had ever thought, but Bella pushed him away.

"No. You said you wouldn't bother us ever again. Stay away from him." Bella warned, suddenly protective. Aro looked hurt, which, in any other circumstance, would've been quite amusing.

"Wait, why Bella? Why did you tell Aro that?" Jerry leaned forward, as if the answer would get to him faster that way. Well, since we've already revealed anything of any importance…when Aro touches people—"

"Oh…so that's how this is." Jerry started without allowing her to finish, making a strange conclusion in his mixed up mind. "Aro, are you a pedophile of any sort?"

"No…"

"I think you are. Have you touched Edward?" Edward jumped out of his seat, with a look of sheer horror plastered across his face.

"No! He has not 'touched me'. Not in that way…you are so incredibly perverse, Mr. Springer!"

"Please, call me Jerry."

"Fine—Jerry. Let me make it completely clear. Aro is, quite honestly, a pretty creepy guy…no offense, Aro."

"None taken…"

", but he has never, ever molested me. Got it?" Jerry looked doubtful, but decided not to tussle with Edward further.

"Now, I know that you Jane, have been a subject of…well, hate by the Cullens…anything to say about—oh my god, your eyes are red!"

"Well, I think it's their fault…they're weak, and have never done anything difficult in their lives."

"That's perfectly clear, Little Miss Sadist, but can you maybe elaborate on why you insist on torturing us? Please" Rose hissed

"Well, Rosalie, I don't know. It's just my talent—my power." Jane spoke through her teeth. Rose was getting into a lot of fights…

"Yeah! But it's not a power anymore; it's a sick, twisted _need_…"

"Hmm. Talk about sick, twisted needs. Don't think I don't know, Rosalie. Aro's told me…" at this Rose lept up and tackled Jane, who fought back quite successfully. Weirdly, it was really more like your typically catfight than a "vampire fight". Scratching, pinching, slapping. Everyone sat, watching for a few minutes. Emmett got out his phone and began taping the event. When they finally stopped, they both sat on the floor, refusing to look at one another.

"Rosalie?" Jerry questioned.

"Um…" oh god…what was the issue?

"You wanted Bella to die so you could have Renesmee!" Jane blurted out.

"Ohhhh!" the audience uttered in unison, as did Aro.

"No…no! That is wrong!" Rose was trying to justify it more to herself than anybody else, really.

"Rose…is that true?" Bella asked nervously.

"Maybe, deep down, for a very short time while you were human, just at the beginning of the pregnancy…" Rose got quieter, and more ashamed as she spoke. Edward and Bella were clearly furious, and wouldn't even look at her. Mike's mouth hung open.

"Mike…what do you think of all this, and how do you like the USA?"

"I'm am an American! Born American! I am not in the Swiss mafia…they just made everything up to get on the show…well not the whole vampire and werewolf thing, but everything about me…I am boring!"

"You got that right, Laverne." Emmett mumbled. Mike, in his first show of physical violence, kicked Emmett's chair.

"I am so sick of _you!_" Mike yelled at the top of his lungs, pointing to Emmett.

"Me?!"

"Yes! First it was little buddy, Laverne, and you always make fun of me! It isn't funny! I'm sensitive, for god's sake!" it was quite a scene. Security was struggling to pull Mike off of Emmett. Rose and Jane were unkempt, sitting on the floor, on the verge of another fight. Chairs were tipped over. All hell had broken loose. And just as quickly as the longest vision I had ever had started, it ended. At first I wasn't sure if the real world was real…but I could tell. I wasn't in the fog anymore. I was "back", so to speak.

"Alice!" Bella was waving her hand in front of my face.

"Yeah! I'm fine!"

"Jesus H. Christ!" Rose exclaimed.

"What does the H. stand for…holy?" Emmett asked, but no one paid attention.

"You were there, just staring, for like, two hours!"

"Yeah, I know…whatever you do, don't put on Jerry Springer."

"Why?"

"If you do, Mike Newton will come to stay with us, we'll crash the Porsche and Volvo, Emmett will tell a doctor he's pregnant…he'll also have to steal Mike Newton's pee, we'll start using "Laverne and Shirley" nicknames…Jazz—you're Squiggy—"

"No!"

"Yes—we'll also reveal our secret on the Jerry Springer show, and it will be suggested that Aro molested Edward…oh, and Jane and Rose will attack each other."

"Hmm…that'd probably be pretty attractive…Rose would_ so_ win…any mud involved?" Emmett laughed, at which Rose elbowed him in the ribs.

"So my point is we can't watch the show…"

"Okay…wait. Solution. Emmett. Close your eyes." Rose covered his face to make sure he didn't peek, as he often did. Bella put a parental lock on the show.

"Alright. I say we do something safe."

"Huh…well, we could watch Laverne and Shirley…we have seasons 2 and 3!" Jasper suggested.

"Please!" Rose begged.

And we spent the rest of the day and night marveling at how two people could possibly generate such a high amount of annoyance…Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!"


End file.
